Per Aspera Ad Astra
by FandomsForeva
Summary: Sirius Black's life was full of many defining moments, from his stay in Azkaban to his friendship with the other Marauders to the moment that he realized he could never be his parents' child. 365 100-word vignettes.
1. Chapter 1

1\. November 3, 1959

There have been two Siriuses so far (though Walburga insists that there's a third not on the family tree) but none of them are living, and Sirius II died just seven years ago, and really, it's time for another one. So Sirius III is named, after his family, after the brightest star in the night sky, the star that's able to control dogs, that tells farmers when to start planting seeds, with the wishes that he'll bring them greatness and glory and never falter in loyalty to the Dark Lord and the true way (tojours pur, puritate in aeternum).


	2. Chapter 2

2\. December 14, 1960

Sirius is just over a year old and already knows just how delicious candies are. He and Mummy are on a walk to get back home on the streets where the strange no-wand people live, and they pass a shop and the sweets are on display in the window. Not moving or anything, but bright and shiny and ready for the taking, and there's no sweets at home today, so Sirius reaches out a hand—

But his mother slaps it, pulling him away from the window and walking faster. "No, Sirius," she barks at him. "No Mudblood sweets. Filthy things."


	3. Chapter 3

3\. May 23, 1961

His first word is 'door,' mispronounced slightly, but still understandable. His parents are disappointed that it wasn't 'Mum' or 'Dad' or 'Lord' or something more appropriate, but are still proud of him. Mummy lets him eat an entire licorice wand. Daddy straps him onto the broomstick and they go for a flight over the city. "Door, door, door," Sirius repeats, because he understands at a year and a half that he's done something right and that he needs to keep on doing it.

"Door," Orion Black agrees.

"Door."

"Door."

"Da-eey."

There are tears in Orion's voice. "Yes. I'm your Dad."


	4. Chapter 4

4\. July 29, 1961

Regulus is very disappointing. Sirius watches him in his crib for four straight hours, wondering when his little brother will _do_ something. But Regulus just sleeps a lot, and when he wakes up, he starts to cry. "No!" Sirius hisses at his brother, because Mummy will get mad. And then Mummy, her hair half-brushed, comes in.

"Go, Sirius."

Well, whatever. Sirius toddles away, carefully balancing on the walls. He doesn't need a little brother to have fun. He follows Kreacher around for the rest of the day, and Kreacher doesn't seem to mind. Sirius cleans _Tojours Pur_ until it shines.


	5. Chapter 5

Sirius knows that he's not supposed to run in the house, but when Mummy and Daddy and even Kreacher all aren't paying attention, it's just so _tempting._ What does it matter, anyway? Sirius just gets places faster. It's not like he's insulting the darklord or something by running inside.

But today, luck isn't on his side, because he can't stop himself as he slides across the kitchen floor and slams into a table. His head hurts, _so much,_ and a stack of plates falls off of the table and he watches, _so afraid,_ as they hit the ground and smash.

XXXX

 **darklord (sic.) is because I assume that Sirius, growing up hearing the words a lot, wouldn't know how to spell them and would instead condense them. Tell me if you think that it's incorrect. Thanks for reading!**


	6. Chapter 6

6\. December 26, 1963

The rest of the family came to the house yesterday for Christmas, and today Bellatrix is babysitting while the grown-ups talk. Sirius wants to like her, because she's pretty and has a smile that flashes to her face oh-so-fast, and he's supposed to like her because she's oh-so-talented.

But there's something about her that Sirius just _doesn't,_ the way she talks to her sisters, the way that she grips his hand too tightly, the way that her spells are harsh, and the way that her oh-so-fast smile makes him feel afraid as it curls up into her pealing ( _wicked_ ) laugh.


	7. Chapter 7

7\. November 3, 1964

On his fifth birthday, as Daddy serves him a piece of cake (chocolate, with the Black crest on top), Sirius feels a strange _thing_ rise inside of him, like a wave breaking over a shore. It's out of control and he hates it but it makes him feel _powerful_ and he's not sure whether to hate it—

And then the cake explodes. And Sirius wants to cry because he's covered in cake and now he can't eat it and he's going to be in _trouble,_ but then Mummy and Daddy are hugging him and laughing and he's never felt better.


	8. Chapter 8

8\. March 31, 1965

Mummy, Sirius and Reg, in their fourth-best clothes, step into the fireplace together (Mummy read that side-along Apparition isn't healthy for children). They exit at the England Wizard's Zoo. For the whole day, Sirius drags Mummy-holding-Reg around the zoo, watching the chimaeras, nifflers, griffins, gnomes, and Mummy is actually smiling so Sirius knows that he's doing something right.

"Why aren't there any dragons?" he finally asks when they sit down and are served lunch by house-elves, who aren't _real_ magical creatures since they're in houses and not the zoo.

"They aren't safe to have in captivity."

There's no unicorns, either.


	9. Chapter 9

9\. December 10, 1965

Sirius forgets what he did, just knowing that his face is stinging like he fell in a snowbank, and _was that Mummy, that can't have been Mummy…_

Somehow, he doesn't cry, just stares up at his mother, who stares straight back down at him with her hand still up and a _look_ that terrifies Sirius because she's so strong, she must be stronger than anyone, and he must be weak and stupid and _wrong_ if Mummy had to hit him.

He wants to apologize, but he doesn't, because if he opens his mouth, he's just going to be _wrong_ again.


	10. Chapter 10

10\. May 13, 1966

"You two are members of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. You will bring our family pride, you will serve the Dark Lord well, you will remain pure of blood, and you will carry on the name with the purity that it deserves.

"But remember well. If you dishonor our family, if you falter in your belief or purity, no longer are you a member of our family." Mummy's hands are moving over the blackened marks on the wall. "Do not falter. Do not stray."

Her words make Sirius proud and afraid to be—or fail at being—a Black.


	11. Chapter 11

11\. December 25, 1966

They go over to the other Black house for Christmas that year, Bellatrix's house (and Andromeda and Narcissa), and Sirius is ready to be mostly bored while the family eats dinner and talks about boring things.

But Sirius ends up sitting next to Uncle Cygnus, who gives him a sideways smile whenever a grown-up uses a big word, and always makes sure that enough food (and especially dessert) is on his plate. And when he notices Sirius watching his color-changing tie, he waits for everyone else to be looking away and takes his tie off and hands it to Sirius.


	12. Chapter 12

12\. May 17, 1967

Reggie hugs Sirius's leg, and now Sirius can't get anywhere.

"Fine," Sirius groans, and he peels Reggie's arms off of his leg and hoists Reggie onto his back. Reggie wraps his arms around Sirius's neck, kind of choking him but not really, and Sirius starts on a run down the hall.

"Jump!" Reggie crows, and Sirius attempts to take a jump, but it makes him trip and then he and Reggie go rolling on the floor together. Sirius is afraid that Regulus is hurt and that they'll be in trouble, but then he and Reggie are tangled together and laughing.


	13. Chapter 13

13\. November 3, 1967

For his eighth birthday, Sirius receives a broomstick. Nimbus 1001, like in the magazines that Sirius has. Handsome men and beautiful women always on the broom, moving fast, talented. The cedar wood shining, the straw straight back.

He doesn't ride it for a month, and not just because the Mudbloods would notice. But because the broomstick is the most beautiful thing he's ever seen and he knows that he'll ruin it.

(And someday, it's going to take him away from here, away from Mum and Dad and the stinging-cheeks, angry-words family, and he can't risk ruining it before that day.)


	14. Chapter 14

14\. January 1, 1968

Bellatrix is in charge of them on the first day of the new year, and Narcissa is sitting quiet downstairs, but Andromeda did something to make Bellatrix angry, and Sirius knows when Bellatrix pulls out her wand that he has to get out. He knows that she didn't really _mean_ it, how could she, they're _family,_ but that doesn't stop him from padding out of the room.

He ends up in a closet where Kreacher keeps the linens, and doesn't come out for a few hours.

When he finally does, no one seems to have noticed that he was gone.


	15. Chapter 15

15\. January 3, 1968

Two days later, he receives a letter. It's from Andromeda, as it turns out, and there's no particular point to it except to say that he shouldn't be afraid of Bellatrix, because _Andromeda_ certainly isn't, and that Andromeda thinks that next time they get together she and Sirius should play gobstones because they're both good at gobstones.

Sirius remembers three things: there was a joke in there somewhere, and it made him laugh; Andromeda shortened his name to Siri; the ink was color-changing, and he watched it for close to half an hour before throwing the letter in the fire.


	16. Chapter 16

16\. June 17, 1968

Father is taking him and Reg on a walk through Mudblood London (mudblondon?) and Reg says something to him that makes Sirius angry and he feels that familiar _tug_ except he can't control it this time and then the windows of the shop that they're passing explode.

There are screams and shouts and then Father pulls them away, angry, and hustles them back to Grimmauld Place, and Sirius, guilty, knows that he should _know_ better, be in better _control,_ and his face stings because a piece of glass cut across it but Sirius doesn't say anything because it's his _fault._


	17. Chapter 17

17\. November 23, 1968

It snowed last night and Sirius is excited to go outside and play, only it's still kind of dark out and Kreacher catches him at the door. "Young Master is not allowed to go outside, lest he catch cold."

"Let me _go,_ Kreacher."

"Mistress's orders were clear, Kreacher is not allowed to let the young Masters go outside—"

"I order you to let me go outside!"

Kreacher stares at him for a few moments and Sirius wonders if he's broken something entirely, but then Mother comes downstairs and he's in trouble and he doesn't bother to worry about Kreacher anymore.


	18. Chapter 18

18\. January 19, 1969

He's more than ten years old and only _now_ does he get his wand, because he's done all the mediation and reading and studying that he needs to, but it's all worth it when Mother brings in the box. Reg is watching, and Father looks so _proud,_ and that makes Sirius proud, too, and happy.

"This was your grandfather's," Mother tells him, and then Sirius picks up the long elm wand of Arcturus Black.

Sparks burst out of the end, and Mother and Father are grinning so Sirius doesn't say anything about how it feels _wrong_ in his hands.


	19. Chapter 19

19\. April 7, 1969

Sirius isn't supposed to talk with the Mudblood his age in Number 11, but he's walking home one day and he literally runs into Noah Schmidt, or rather, Noah runs into him.

"Sorry!"

Mother would yell at the Mudblood for knocking him down, but Noah looks so sorry that Sirius can't help but say, "it's fine."

"Good! Thanks! You live in Number Twelve, right? One of the Blacks?"

"Yes."

Noah grins. "I like your hair."

Noah's hair is short-cropped blonde, so different from Sirius's dark curls. "I like yours."

Talking with Noah, Sirius doesn't care if he gets in trouble.


	20. Chapter 20

20\. July 21, 1969

"They put men on the moon yesterday."

Noah is talking to him over the fence that separates their yards and Sirius knows that Father is going to put up more security next month, so he has to maximise on this time.

"They?"

"The Americans."

"Why? It's really expensive, right?"

"How could you not? It's the _moon._ "

Noah looks so excited that Sirius can't bear to think about how it's just a _Mudblood_ thing, and how wizards don't need to be on the moon because they're so much better than that.

Besides, he almost wants to be on the moon, too.


	21. Chapter 21

21\. August 11, 1969

Mother redoubles her efforts to educate him about the House of Black. One of her tangents is about carrying on the line, but Sirius knows that he never wants to have children anyway, so he's mostly tuning it out.

"It is your duty to have strong children, especially male ones, who can carry on the name…"

Something strikes him about the word _duty._ Loyalty to his family must mean doing things that he hates to prove himself ( _tojours pur, puritate in aeternum)._ It's the only way to prove he cares. Reg is nodding along, and Sirius finds himself nodding, too.

 **XXXXX**

 **For 1/21**


	22. Chapter 22

22\. September 21, 1969

It's an accident _, really,_ Mother was talking about filthy Mudbloods this morning and then Noah punches his shoulder and Sirius doesn't _mean_ to do it but the _feeling_ strikes him again and then Noah staggers back like he's been shocked and he _has,_ and Sirius rushes to his side, and Noah's hands are shaking and _oh lord what did I do_ what is Sirius supposed to _do?_ and Noah looks so confused and hurt so Sirius whispers "I'm sorry, I'm _sorry_ ," but Mother's going to _see_ him, so Sirius does what he _can_ do, he rushes away with a sob.


	23. Chapter 23

23\. November 3, 1969

His birthday goes without a hitch, but the cake (strawberry, with the Black crest on top) tastes like dust.

Andromeda notices, and she asks him what's happened, and then Sirius is crying (he's not supposed to cry), but Andromeda hugs him and promises it's going to be okay.

"I don't know if he's okay," Sirius sobs.

"So find out!"

"I can't!"

He feels so _powerless_ and that's the opposite of what he's supposed to feel—

"Sirius, listen. It's not your fault. But promise me that you'll learn to control it better."

Sirius wishes that Andromeda was his mother. "Yes, Andromeda."


	24. Chapter 24

24\. December 13, 1969

Sirius has thrown himself back into meditation, and he knows that it's going to help him make sure that he never hurts anyone again (not that Mother knows) but he really _hates_ it.

It's just so boring! He has to sit there for _hours_ and think about thinking about nothing and try to _clear his mind_ or something like that but how is he supposed to clear his mind? That's so hard!

"Sirius, you aren't trying," Father reprimands him.

"I am," Sirius insists.

It just makes him more angry because he's so _bad_ at it and no one is _helping_.


	25. Chapter 25

25\. February 1, 1970

Mother starts making him spend time with the Fawley twins, who are his age, and another Sacred 28 family, and Sirius is fully prepared to hate them, but they're not actually _that_ bad.

Melisandra always looks nice, her dark hair in two braids and her dress starched and pretty, but when it comes down to it she's not afraid to brawl with him. And Merillius, her shadow, has a biting wit that Sirius likes. She's brawn, he's brains, and they're both beautiful. Sometimes Sirius can't understand what's going through their minds, but they let him in, and he appreciates that.


	26. Chapter 26

26\. April 30, 1970

Mrs. Fawley takes them to a broomstick pitch, and the three of them go riding together. Surprisingly, Merillius is the fastest. "Keep up!" he shouts back at them, looking happier than SIrius has ever seen him.

Melisandra puts on an extra burst of speed, and then Sirius attempts to keep up with them. "Come on, Siri!" the two of them chant, and Sirius matches their speed, and laughing—

Then he crashes into Merillius, and the two of them go rolling through the air, holding on to each other. Eventually, they right themselves.

"Sorry, Rill."

"Why?" Merillius laughs. "That was _brilliant."_


	27. Chapter 27

27\. November 3, 1970

Sirius had hoped that he would be over his Mumblemumps by his birthday, but no, he's going to spend yet another day alone in bed with his face swollen.

"Is young Master awake?"

"Ummuhhh," Sirius says, which is supposed to be _come in_ only Sirius can't _speak_ right and he _hates_ it.

Kreacher gives him a bowl of soup for breakfast. Soup is all that Sirius can swallow. He's had it every meal for weeks.

Through his swollen eyelids, he's aware of the surface of the soup freezing over, and frost starting to grow on the edges of the bowl.


	28. Chapter 28

28\. February 14, 1971

He turns the page in _A History of Magic,_ carefully reading over each line. He doesn't want to be behind for Hogwarts, and Mother said that he had to study more magic before she would teach him any more spells. If he wants to be as strong as Bellatrix, he has to study more. It's dull, yes, but it's going to be worth it.

Reg opens the door, launching himself at Sirius. "You're being boring again!"

"Get _off,_ Reg."

"No."

"Yes."

" _No."_

In the end, Reg just hugs Sirius, who decides that _maybe_ this isn't so bad, turning another page.


	29. Chapter 29

29\. March 17, 1971

Father is pushing Durmstrang, but that's all the way on the _continent_ , and Sirius can't imagine not living in Britain, where he can still go home every break. And Mother supports going to Hogwarts, anyway, just like every other Black has done (except for Marius, but they don't talk about him).

"I'm just saying," Father continues, "Hogwarts has a much higher Mudblood to wizard ratio, and the headmaster isn't doing anything to counter it."

"Hogwarts still has much better classes and a higher NEWT rate!" Mother reminds them. "Not to mention, it was the Dark Lord's school. But what do you think, Sirius?"

Both of them turn to Sirius, who swallows.

"Hogwarts."


	30. Chapter 30

30\. May 29, 1971

Sirius knows that Mother has him spend so much time with the Fawleys because of that whole carrying-the-name thing, and Melisandra is really a lovely girl. He likes her, and wouldn't mind not liking her in just the friend way.

The only thing is, he feels the same way towards Rill. Merillius is a great friend, but Sirius feels something strange for him sometimes. And Sirius thinks that he's being _selfish_ and that he needs to pull himself together before someone finds out, especially Mel or Rill.

Sirius lies awake that night and wonders what it's like to kiss someone.


	31. Chapter 31

31\. July 1, 1971

An owl comes in through the window during breakfast, and Sirius drops his fork. It's all that he can do not to chase the owl around and catch it. Thankfully, Mother removes the letter from the owl and hands it to Sirius, who opens it with shaking hands. His Hogwarts letter. _His._

 _Dear Mr. Black…_

"I got in," he practically shouts, grinning, feeling like crying for some reason.

"Of course you did," Mother says, but Sirius thinks that he can still sense some pride in her face.

That night, Kreacher makes pudding, so Sirius knows that he's done something right.


	32. Chapter 32

32\. July 3, 1971

He's traveling by Floo _alone_ for the first time in his life, and he's never felt so grown up. There's only six years to go, too, before he can make his own way in the world. He grabs his bag, takes a pinch of Floo powder, tosses it into the fire, and steps in as the dancing flames turn as emerald as Slytherin house.

"Knockturn Alley!"

He's rushed every which way and tossed back out on familiar cobblestones. He heaves himself off the ground, covered in soot. It's easier travelling with Mother.

Still, he finds that he likes travelling alone.


	33. Chapter 33

33\. July 3, 1971

He runs into Narcissa there, walking with a strange, handsome young man just as blonde as she is.

"Sirius," she greets him politely. "Here Hogwarts shopping?"

Sirius nods. He's never sure what to say to Narcissa.

"Another Black?" the boy asks, smiling.

Sirius nods as the blonde boy extends his hand. They shake, and the boy smiles at him. "Lucius Malfoy." Narcissa giggles, a strange sound coming from _her._ "Have fun shopping. We'll be waiting for you in Slytherin. See you later!"

 _Too bad,_ Sirius reflects. If not for that last comment, Sirius thinks he could have liked Lucius Malfoy.


	34. Chapter 34

34\. July 3, 1971

He gets fitted for robes and gets new books that weigh heavily on his back. He passes an ice-cream shop and since Mother isn't _there_ to say no, buys a double sundae. He buys a cauldron and the required potions ingredients, which are fairly disgusting. He stops by the owlery and watches the owls in the window. For lunch, he gets another sundae, because _why not?_ He passes the wand shop and doesn't stop, as disappointing as his own wand is. He ends up buying a ridiculously large amount of candy _just because he can._

It's _freedom_ , and it's _glorious_.


	35. Chapter 35

35\. July 3, 1971

Drunk on freedom, Sirius stops at the barbershop in Virtik Alley and only hesitates only a moment before taking a number.

When it's his turn, he indicates to the barber that he would like his long, curly locks shorn off in a (style that is most certainly _not_ like Noah Schmidt's). The scissors snip. The magic razors move in and shear off what's left of his hair when the scissors finish. The barber charms the hair off of Sirius and then spins him around.

He doesn't look very good. Mother will be horrified. Father will be disgusted.

Sirius _loves_ it.


	36. Chapter 36

36\. July 10, 1971

Mother hates it. Father hates it. Which means that Reg hates it, too. Sirius has several bruises on his stomach and legs and is only allowed to eat bread and water until the start of term, or until his hair grows back.

Mel and Rill love it.

"Maybe I'll do it, too," Mel speculates, tugging on one of her braids.

"No one would be able to tell us apart," Rill said, pointing to his own short hair.

"Exactly."

"That would be _brilliant,_ " Sirius agrees.

There's a moment of tension before Rill laughs and then Mel laughs and Sirius does, too.


	37. Chapter 37

37\. July 31, 1971

He spends the last day of July going around Mudblondon saying goodbye to the places he's supposed to hate. The Mudblood sweet shop on Abbey. The trick shop on Watling. The history museum on Staveley. Noah Schmidt's house, without anyone seeing.

He stops by the bakery on Richmond Hill, just to take in the scents. It's full as usual, smelling of cakes and donuts and cinnamon-sugar, and the pastries are beautiful, too. He wishes that he could buy something, but just smiles at the lady behind the counter after a few minutes and leaves.

He doesn't have any Mudblood money.


	38. Chapter 38

38\. August 22, 1971

"I don't _want_ you to leave," Reg protests.

"Sure you do. Then you have Mother and Father and Kreacher all to yourself." Sirius keeps all bitterness out of his voice. He actually _likes_ Reg, after all. His brother is bearable.

"But Sirius!"

"But nothing. In two years, you'll be at Hogwarts too, anyway."

He thinks that Reg must have some ideas about them being the perfect brotherly pair and ruling over everyone. Then again, Sirius has his _own_ dreams, and he wouldn't want someone poking a hole in _them._

"I'll miss you," Sirius admits.

Reg sniffs. "I'll miss you more."


	39. Chapter 39

39\. August 31, 1971

"Sirius. A word."

"Yes, Mother."

"Sirius, you're going to be at Hogwarts. You're going to bring us pride."

"Yes, Mother."

"But while you're there, things will be tempting. Becoming a blood traitor. Thinking that Mudbloods are worth your time. There will be temptation to stray from our Lord."

"Yes, Mother."

"And then there's regular foolery. Rule-breaking, and such. Don't let these things tempt you, Sirius. If you feel temptation, look to Bellatrix and Narcissa's example. You're a Black. You're _better_ than that. I expect you to represent our family well."

"Yes, Mother."

"Tojours pur."

"Puritate in aeternum."

"Good."

"Thanks, Mother."


	40. Chapter 40

40\. September 1, 1971

Father complains about taking the Hogwarts Express, but Floos him to Platform 9¾ anyway. The station is _hot_ and _loud_ and _crowded_ and Father is hissing about all of the Mudbloods and half-bloods around them but Sirius thinks that it's _perfect._

He glimpses the engine car of the Hogwarts Express, which is a loud, burning red, and _oh,_ he wants to _be_ there already, he can't _wait_ to be finally on the journey...Sirius is finally, _finally_ going to Hogwarts. He's finally leaving Number 12 behind, leaving Mother and Father behind, and someday, he'll leave it and them behind forever.


	41. Chapter 41

41\. September 1, 1971

He can't find Mel and Rill on the train, so he goes to the very end of the last car. There are two people sitting there, so it's almost empty. Just a small boy and a girl with blindingly red hair. "Hello," he calls to the compartment.

The redhead is staring out the window. The boy gives him a small smile. "I'm Remus Lupin."

"Sirius Black."

Lupin doesn't give any indication that he knows who the Blacks are, which is nice. Sirius hoists his trunk into the luggage net and sits next to Lupin.

"You look tired, mate."

Lupin smiles.


	42. Chapter 42

42\. September 1, 1971

A few minutes later, two boys enter. One has messy dark hair, kind of handsome, and the other is small and round with a nice smile.

"I'm James Potter, and this is Peter...um...Peter…"

"Pettigrew."

"Peter Pettigrew!"

The two boys sit across from them. "Sirius Black."

"Remus Lupin."

"Where are you from? I'm from Godric's Hollow."

(So they can't be friends.)

"London," Sirius kind of lies.

"Wrexham," Lupin says.

"Carlisle," Pettigrew tells them.

Potter gives an awkward grin. "I'll fight any of you rather attractive fellows for rights to the window seat."

But _oh_ , Sirius wants to be friends.


	43. Chapter 43

43\. September 1, 1971

"What do you mean, you _thought_ I was alright?"

"I still think you are, mate," Potter clarifies.

"Really. Because it sounded like you thought all of us Slytherins—"

"I didn't mean it like that!"

Lupin speaks for maybe the third time. "I think we can all agree that your house, or family, or whatever doesn't make you a bad person. Just your actions."

"Yeah, that's a comfort," Sirius mutters.

"It should be, actually," Lupin insists. "How else would you know what kind of person someone is?"

"What's a good person, anyway?" Pettigrew asks.

 _And what does it matter?_ Sirius wonders.


	44. Chapter 44

44\. September 1, 1971

A witch comes by with a food trolley, and Potter buys a ridiculous amount of candy. "I figure this is the one time that my parents won't know," he shrugs. Then he forces all of them to take a great amount of it, and for a while, they stuff themselves on sweets.

"Had these before?" Sirius asks the cowed-looking Lupin and Pettigrew.

Lupin shrugs. "A few times. Mostly the chocolate."

Pettigrew shakes his head. "Mum didn't want me to eat these."

Potter tosses another cauldron cake at him.

"Don't be rude," Lupin reprimands.

"That was a great kindness," Potter replies.


	45. Chapter 45

45\. September 1, 1971

Sirius fingers his robes (green trim already) as the Hogwarts Express goes around a bend. The sun has set. He feels strangely tired.

They're all staring out the cold window into the starry night, and a glistening lake comes into view, then a huge Quidditch pitch—James gasps—and then, finally, a magnificent castle.

It's shining in the moonlight, lit up from the inside, light coming through the windows. Huge, grand, an altogether _magical_ building, and all that Sirius has ever dreamed of.

He imagines finding hiding places, of learning to be _strong_ and _better,_ of finding friends, of never, _ever_ leaving.


	46. Chapter 46

46\. September 1, 1971

Sirius wonders if he's going to throw up over the side of his boat. He's so, so _afraid_ that he'll get sorted into the wrong house (or into Slytherin) and so afraid that everyone will _hate_ him for whatever reason. His wand shoots purple sparks, and James laughs. "Nervous?"

Sirius can't speak, but luckily Remus shoots back, "you aren't?"

"Of course I am! What if I get stuck with one of you?"

Peter laughs nervously. Remus smiles. Sirius lightly punches James on the shoulder, and James punches back, and their boat smoothly cuts through the water as the sparks stop.


	47. Chapter 47

47\. September 1, 1971

Sirius is ready to _beg,_ but the hat says, _you're rather brave, aren't you?_

 _Yes?_ Sirius thinks back. _I hope so._

 _Loyal, but not to everyone. Not your family, I see, very interesting, but to almost anyone else. Your new friends, for example. Very ambitious, too, yes. And a brilliant mind._

 _What's the point of having a 'smart' house?_ Sirius asks.

The hat gives out what might be a laugh, and Sirius feels pride. _Very,_ very _interesting. Well, I think that the choice is obvious._

Sirius thinks he _will_ throw up. He doesn't know where he _belongs_ —

 _Better be…_ "GRYFFINDOR!"


	48. Chapter 48

48\. September 1, 1971

Narcissa looks thunderstruck across the room, and Sirius knows he's in _so much trouble._ He watches the agonizing sorting of Mel and Rill, both going to Ravenclaw, but then Lupin is put into Gryffindor and staggers to sit down next to Sirius, and then Pettigrew, too, is shouted into Gryffindor, and then Potter is sent over to sit with them. And all at once, the noise becomes deafening, the colors less muted, and he's able to give a painful smile. Severus is in Slytherin like he wanted, the redhead in Gryffindor, and the tension has _broken_ , and Sirius's smile widens.


	49. Chapter 49

49\. September 2, 1971

Sirius wakes up and he's in the Gryffindor dormitory. He looks around, at Peter, Remus, James, Sean, and Martin. The walls are red and gold. The curtains are red and gold. The covers and trappings are red and gold. It's almost like being in a fireplace.

Sirius spends a moment lying away, just staring at the ceiling, and thinking, _I am a Gryffindor. I am a Gryffindor._

He's in _so much trouble._

But—who cares? _Whatever_!

What does it matter that he's in trouble? He's at _Hogwarts_. Mother and Father can't get him anymore. There's no more punishment for being _wrong._


	50. Chapter 50

50\. September 2, 1971

Gryffindor and Ravenclaw have Charms together, and Sirius snags a seat by Mel and Rill. After an awkward minute, Lupin and Mel begin talking, and then everything seems okay.

Professor Dale walks in and takes roll, and Sirius feels a thrill of pride as his name, _Sirius Black,_ is read off. _I am a Gryffindor._

They spend the first class going over the syllabus, and then Professor Dale sends out a charm that hits the back wall and makes it melt into different colors every few moments. The class is laughing, Sirius is smiling, and _maybe_ things will be alright.


	51. Chapter 51

51\. October 23, 1971

Professor McGonagall looks at him severely. "Sit, Mr. Black."

"Yes, Professor." Sirius _hates_ how scared he feels.

"Mr. Black, I won't deny that you're a brilliant student. Still, that does not excuse you talking in my class as much as you do. There are many students that _need_ to listen, and you are quite distracting."

"Sorry, Professor."

"But she called you brilliant?" James clarifies afterwards.

Sirius chortles. "Yeah. That was flattering. And I suppose that my looks _can_ get fairly distracting."

James laughs hard, and Remus rolls his eyes. "But you'll be quieter from now on."

Sirius grins. "Yes, Mummy."


	52. Chapter 52

52\. November 3, 1971

All that Sirius gets for his birthday is a letter from Reg, not that he expected more.

After classes end for the day, James hands him what turns out to be a repurposed care package that he received from his _own_ parents. It's full of candy and warm clothes, and Sirius loves it. Peter sneaks a slice of cake up to the dormitory and they all pretend that there's candles. Remus has knitted Sirius a _darling_ little scarf, and it's not very well-done, but it's a shade of purple that Sirius decides is the most beautiful color he's ever seen.


	53. Chapter 53

53\. December 19, 1971

As soon as he's back at Number 12 over the break, Mother and Father go off at him. Really ballistic. They're both _shouting_ at him and he can't get in a _word_ edgewise and he's never felt _weaker_ and he was an _idiot_ for thinking that things would _work out,_ such an _idiot_ —

Then Mother steps in and slaps him, five times across the face, and Sirius wants to _cry_ but he _won't, won't,_ he's not _weak, not weak_ —

He can't tell if it's tears or blood from his nose that eventually flows down his face.

He _hates_ it here!


	54. Chapter 54

54\. December 31, 1971

Sirius spends New Year's Eve in his room.

He wishes that an owl would come from one of his friends.

He wishes that Reg would open the door and attack him with a hug like he used to.

He wishes that he had eaten lunch or dinner.

He wishes that he had never been sorted into Gryffindor.

He wishes that he were just a good little Slytherin.

He wishes that he wasn't so _weak_ and _stupid_ and _wrong._

He wishes that he wasn't a wizard.

He wishes that he weren't a Black.

He wishes that he were _anywhere_ but here.


	55. Chapter 55

55\. January 17, 1972

He runs into Narcissa in a stairwell and wishes, not for the first time, that Andromeda was at Hogwarts.

"Sirius."

She's at least civil, but he knows that it can't last.

"Narcissa."

"Here at Hogwarts at last."

He snorts, because she's just mocking him, he can _tell._

"You can still bring the family honor as a Gryffindor, you know," she says, and Sirius wishes that she wasn't so damn _perceptive_ and that she hadn't tried to _help_ him because he doesn't _want_ her help.

"No, I can't," Sirius says, because it's the _truth._ "And I don't want to."

"Goodbye, Sirius."


	56. Chapter 56

56\. February 19, 1972

He skips dinner to write a paper for Herbology, and when he goes to his dormitory to get a new quill, he finds a house-elf standing there.

The house-elf scurries out of the way. "My apologies, Master! Wodbon did not mean to interrupt, Wodbon was being stupid—" Wodbon throws himself at the wall, and when he tries to do it again, Sirius pulls him back.

"No need to apologize. I didn't mean to interrupt you."

Wodbon bows deeply (better than _Kreacher_ ever was). "But surely Master is hungry! Does Master want food?"

Sirius is startled at the question. "Um, yes."


	57. Chapter 57

57\. March 29, 1972

"Remus isn't here?" Mel asks.

Sirius shakes his head. "He's sick."

"He gets sick a lot," Rill points out.

"Which isn't exactly his fault," Sirius replies.

"I never said that it was."

"I'll take notes for him," Mel volunteers.

"No," says Peter. "It's my turn to...I mean, if you want to, you can, but—"

James ruffles Peter's hair. "It's your turn, Peter."

Sirius laughs. Mel and Rill smile.

 _I'll visit him after classes,_ Sirius decides. And he'll bring Peter, so that Remus can get his notes, and he'll bring James, too, so that all four of them are together.


	58. Chapter 58

58\. April 6, 1972

They have to be able to turn toothpicks to needles for Transfiguration, and Peter is having trouble. Again.

"Flick more," Sirius advises.

Peter does, but the toothpick remains stubbornly wooden. "I'm never going to get it!" Peter wails. "No matter what I do, it doesn't matter!"

Sirius feels bad, because he might be a Black, but at least he's good at magic, and then there's Peter, the least talented of their year. He gives Peter an awkward hug like Peter is Reg. "Don't worry. You'll get it. I promise."

Peter is trying to swallow his tears. "Okay."

"Let's try again."


	59. Chapter 59

59\. April 30, 1972

Somehow the four of them are sitting with Severus Snape during Potions, and while Snape is talented enough, Sirius has a feeling that Snape is judging him for being a Gryffindor.

By the end of the lesson, Snape hisses, "I hope that I never have to sit with privileged idiots like you ever again."

James snaps something back, and then of course Lily Evans joins in and yells at them, but Sirius is silent as he turns over _privileged_ and what it means.

"Don't speak about what you don't understand, you troll," he finally yells, as Remus drags them off.


	60. Chapter 60

60\. June 3, 1972

Mother and Father seem to have resolved to pretend that Sirius doesn't exist, and he _hates_ the way that Reg gets all their attention and seems so loved. _But whatever,_ Sirius has friends, who are much better than his family anyway.

He sticks a picture of the four of them to his wall, and goes to sleep staring at it, and wondering how he could have seemed so _happy_ just a few days ago.

He hates being home.

He'll find a Permanent Sticking Charm tomorrow, just in case Mother gets any _ideas._

Sirius hopes that the summer will go fast.


	61. Chapter 61

61\. June 5, 1972

When he wakes up that day, he can hear Bellatrix's voice, which makes him afraid, which then makes him hate himself.

"Let me at him!" Bellatrix is yelling. "We can _make_ him a Slytherin, or we can make him _pay,_ the stupid boy, the _traitor_ —"

Sirius considers jumping out the window.

"Bellatrix!" Father shouts back. "You can't speak that way of our _son_ —"

"Let her," Mother says, her voice like ice. "A damned Gryffindor, we have a damned _Gryffindor,_ if my mother could see us now—"

"Let me—let me—"

"No, Bellatrix," Father says, and Sirius hates him, but he's grateful.


	62. Chapter 62

62\. June 11, 1972

Regulus has a Nimbus 1500, and they Floo to the public pitch and spend most of the day there. Regulus got some money from Mother and Father to buy lunch, and they share a roast chicken and get some fried dough afterwards. It's the best meal that Sirius has had all summer, with some of the best company, too.

For a while, Sirius plays Keeper while Regulus shoots on him. Reg looks happy by the end, and Sirius is glad for that.

"You're not bad," he tells Regulus.

"You too," Reg says, and then after a moment, "I miss you."


	63. Chapter 63

63\. July 1, 1972

Father lets Sirius go to the Fawley twins' twelfth birthday party.

"Is everything, you know...okay?" Mel eventually asks him.

"I'm fine," Sirius says.

"Are you sure?" she presses.

"I'm _fine._ "

"You've got…" Rill points to his cheek, which has a light bruise.

"I'm _fine._ I live...an active life."

"Of course. That's why it looks like you have _finger marks_ —"

"Shut up, Rill," Mel says.

She hands him a plate of cake (vanilla, color-changing sprinkles, no crest on top) and Sirius wonders as he eats the sprinkles if they can somehow make him more magical, more _strong._


	64. Chapter 64

64\. July 23, 1972

"D'you think you could switch?" Regulus suddenly asks one night.

"You mean…"

"Switch houses." Reg's cheeks begin to burn. "So that we...so that things...could go back to normal."

"It's not possible."

"Yeah. I just thought, maybe if you asked…"

"Our benign and all-knowing overlord, Professor Dumbledore, might say yes. I'll admit that. But it's not possible."

Regulus doesn't laugh. "Okay."

"Things wouldn't go back to normal, either. You know that, Reg."

"Yeah. I just thought...you know."

"Well, thanks for thinking it."

Sirius doesn't mention that he doesn't think he'd switch houses even if he had the chance.


	65. Chapter 65

65\. August 31, 1972

Sirius has a feeling that using sarcasm on his mother wouldn't be helpful. _Mother dearest, we haven't really talked much over this delightful summer..._ yeah, no.

He just says, "I'll miss you." It's a lie.

"I won't miss you."

He swallows, not knowing what to feel. _I'm sorry,_ or maybe, _good riddance, you old bat_? "Well...I suppose that was expected."

"I hope you know that you've disgraced us."

 _That's me, the family disgrace! Thank you, thank you, I'm here for twelve more hours..._

"Yeah. I'm...I'm sorry about that." Half-lie.

"You are a failure as a Black."

"Yes, Mother."


	66. Chapter 66

66\. September 1, 1972

Remus and Peter are both watching the regal Hogwarts come into view when James says, "you look awful, mate. Like something a hippogriff dragged in."

Sirius doesn't _need_ this and so he touches the golden rims of James's new glasses, saying, "better watch out for nifflers."

"I mean it. Are you alright?"

James's family dotes on him. Sirius tugs off his glasses, trying them on. The world goes blurry and convoluted, James's left eye huge, the right miniscule. "Just sad that it's over." Complete lie.

James's hand hits Sirius's cheeks. "Help! I'm blind."

Sirius snorts, handing the golden glasses back.


	67. Chapter 67

67\. October 2, 1972

Slughorn is _boring_ and _unhelpful_ and is practically in love with _Snivellus_ and Evans and he separated James and Sirius. So when James looks him in the eye, Sirius knows that it's time to start asking Slughorn stupid questions.

He wasn't expecting Martin Murdock's Sleeping Draught to explode. He gasps as someone screams. Slughorn turns around as fast as he can and stumbles over to Murdock, trying to help him.

Sirius won't do it ever again. He won't let it happen again.

...but...after class, everyone is laughing, even Martin, and Sirius feels like he's done something _right_ —

So...maybe?


	68. Chapter 68

68\. October 24, 1972

"Mr. Sinder said you wanted your notes."

"Thanks," Remus whispers. "How's everyone doing?"

"Fine. It's only been two days, you know." Only two days, and Remus looks half-dead.

"I know."

"Do you?"

"I have a basic grasp of time, you know."

"So you say." Sirius takes the leap. "I don't think you should do your work. Not now. Get some rest first."

"Why?"

" _Why?_ You look awful."

Remus gives a short laugh, and Sirius is worried that he'll laugh up a lung. "So do you."

Sirius wants to laugh and wants to cry. "I'm gorgeous, mate."

"You're a troll's backside."


	69. Chapter 69

69\. November 11, 1972

Linder Brackenrung and Alex Lorrin have been bullying Peter for weeks now, and Sirius and James watch as they throw Peter's books off the top of the staircase. James bends down, and Sirius wonders what he's doing. Then he stands up, shoelaces in hand, and mutter something. The laces grow, stretched out, and Sirius suddenly understands. He mutters, "Vinculagito," and tries to keep it together as the shoelaces fly towards Brackenrung and Lorrin, tying their ankles together. The boys realize what has happened and move towards James and Sirius, but both trip, and Sirius feels a disgusting thrill of satisfaction.


	70. Chapter 70

70\. December 7, 1972

They're making Girding Potions for the Potions final, and Sirius braces himself for the storm of Slughorn's praise for _Snivellus_ that comes practically every class. Slughorn walks over to Snivellus and Evans's table, and James has a resigned look, but then Slughorn booms, "Miss Evans, green already?"

Lily Evans has one of her seahorses in before the third heating round, and apparently it's worked very well. But all that matters is that Snivellus isn't the center of attention for once, not stupid Snivellus who insults Gryffindors and dislikes the four of them.

Even Remus looks satisfied, and James is grinning.


	71. Chapter 71

71\. January 31, 1973

They're all in detention because they got caught looking out for James while he was in the broom cupboard. Peter failed as a lookout but _James_ was the one that pulled off the bloody _Cloak_ , the loyal git.

"We need a better system," James says.

"We need to stop doing things like this," Remus corrects.

"Boring," James insults.

"Idiot," Remus retorts.

"Ordinary."

"Reckless."

"Brilliant!" James shouts spontaneously. They all stare at him.

He grins. "What? I guess you're _all_ brilliant, if you insist, but still."

"Do you have any _ideas_?" Remus demands.

James shrugs.

An idea sparks in Sirius's mind.


	72. Chapter 72

72\. April 5, 1973

"We need a name," James says.

They need to be _studying,_ Sirius knows, but he hates studying. Still, Sirius loves his friend, but he thinks that James can get overly dramatic sometimes.

But somehow, Remus seems interested in the idea. "Like Quidditch teams?"

"Yeah! But better."

"Team Awesome!" Sirius throws out.

James throws a quill at him. "No."

"The Best of the Gryffindors."

"Sirius, you're my best mate, but you're bloody awful at names."

"Be nice," Remus says.

"How can I? To those names."

"Then at least use better insults."

"Marauders," Peter suggests.

"At least it's better than _Team Awesome."_


	73. Chapter 73

73\. May 19, 1973

As he catches a smile first from Noranda Emori and then from Remus, Sirius realizes that the way his heart flutters is the same for both. And that _scares_ him. He has a feeling that he's _not_ supposed to feel the same way towards both girls _and_ boys. And especially not _Remus_ , who is his best friend, even tied with James, and who would probably hate Sirius if he knew. Especially not Remus, who would finally realize that Sirius is _weak_ and _wrong_ and would never, _ever_ like Sirius back.

Sirius smiles at Emori and then laughs at Remus's joke.


	74. Chapter 74

74\. June 12, 1973

He bought the paint at 9¾, and after he's sent to his room ( _predictable_ ), he pulls out the large brush and surveys the green-and-silver _Slytherin_ wall. _Anything_ would be better than those colors.

The picture of his friends—Marauders—is impossible to take down, so he tries to paint around it. Everything else is covered up in the large, messy brushstrokes. He splatters red paint on the wall—that's the _Dark Lord._ Another swipe— _Mother_ and _Father_. The brush splays on the Christmas-seeming wall— _Bellatrix._

The paint splatters on his clothes, probably staining them, and gets on the window and drips to the floor.


	75. Chapter 75

75\. July 27, 1973

His parents are asleep and Kreacher is doing the laundry, and Sirius can't stop himself from padding down the hall, opening the trapdoor he discovered years ago, and climbing to the roof.

It's windy up there. Cold, despite the summer. Sirius wonders if anyone can see him up here, what with Father's new charms.

"Sod off!" he screams. "You bloody arseholes!"

He hopes that someone can _hear_ him, it doesn't matter who, because if no one hears him, then maybe he's just a _ghost_.

He stays on the roof for a while, in the center, where he can't fall.


	76. Chapter 76

76\. August 19, 1973

Boredom made Sirius braid his long, curly hair into three small, messy braids that stick out from the sides of his head like horns. He kind of loves it, honestly, and it took up the better part of an hour to do, so that's good.

He's reading Transfiguration, Level 3, when Reg comes in. Reg doesn't knock anymore, side effect of being the favored child, and he grins at Sirius's hair. "You going to let Mother and Father see that?"

Sirius exaggeratedly raises an eyebrow. "A pack of pixies flew through the window and cursed me. It's not _my_ fault."


	77. Chapter 77

77\. September 1, 1973

Sirius has forgotten how amazing 9¾ is for the first time, but Reg reminds him, looking around with huge eyes and a practically dropped jaw. Sirius thinks that it's kind of cute. It's the first time in _years_ he's thought of Reg as cute.

"This is bloody amazing, Siri!"

"Yeah. It really is."

Reg takes Sirius hand and gives it a brief squeeze before pretending that nothing happened. "I can't wait."

"Do you want to sit with me?"

"...Mother said..."

"Right." Sirius realizes he might have been the one who had big dreams for them as brothers this time around.


	78. Chapter 78

78\. September 1, 1973

It's not like Sirius wasn't _expecting_ it, but he still feels anxiety as Regulus is the first called up to sit under the hat, as the hat screams out, "SLYTHERIN!" for the hall to hear. It hurts to listen to that word, to know that Reg is a Slytherin like Sirius has learned to hate, to know that Reg is the son that Sirius never will be. The smile on Reg's face, relieved and ecstatic, hurts just as much! James gives him a sympathetic smile, and Peter pats his back a few times. It doesn't make him feel any better.


	79. Chapter 79

79\. September 12, 1973

Remus is out again, and though Sirius knows that he'll be fine, he still feels guilt that Remus, who's smart and deserves a normal life, gets out-of-class sick at least once a month.

Sirius can't quite get to sleep that night, so he stares out the window for a long time, wondering if Remus in the Hospital Wing is doing the same. His bed is closest to the window, so no one cares if he keeps it open, as long as it doesn't get too cold. Sirius loves the wind on his face. He stares at the full moon—

 _Oh!_


	80. Chapter 80

80\. September 18, 1973

Reg brushes right past him in the hallway, so that their shoulders touch and everything, but Sirius can't really say that it's happened because Reg doesn't acknowledge him in any way. Sirius knows that it's hard for Reg to be _his_ brother, _perfect Slytherin Regulus_ with the black sheep hovering behind him _,_ but it stings a bit. Sirius doesn't judge him. It doesn't hurt too much, anyway.

Regulus deserves _someone_ in his family who isn't ready to hate him at the drop of a hat.

 _Which isn't a bad pun, anyway_. _I'll tell James_ — _wait, no, he hates puns. Remus, then._

* * *

 **I'd like to thank everyone who's been reviewing so far, but especially Gandalf537, who has reviewed almost every chapter so far.**


	81. Chapter 81

81\. October 1, 1963

Samantha Pickering, a Gryffindor Chaser, fell off of her broom during a rainy practice. She had been Chaser for three years, and James had worried that he would have to wait for her to graduate before being able to play. Sirius helps him pester Norman Ceallaigh, the captain, for a chance to try out. James doesn't throw away his shot, outriding both Beaters and weaving his way through the air to shoot and score several times, looking determined. It takes less than an hour for Norman to give James the position.

Sirius worries that James's smile will break his face.


	82. Chapter 82

82\. December 6, 1973

Everyone knows that Professor Greve's Divination final is complete shite, and he's an annoying git to boot. Remus plays interference while Sirius sneaks the Dungbomb out of the bag and whispers, " _Incendio!_ "

James snatches it and rolls it under the table as it starts smoking. Peter gags, and James smacks his back to remind him to act calm.

Green-grey smoke flows from under the table, and the whole room starts to retch. The windows are open, but the stench still from pervades the room. Sirius's eyes water as Greve leads them out of the classroom.

They don't take the test.


	83. Chapter 83

83\. December 24, 1973

Sirius told them not to stay, but they did anyway, and the four Marauders have their room to themselves over that Christmas. They're staying up too late ( _again_ ) and having a damned good time.

"Thanks for staying," Sirius finally says when it's close to midnight.

Peter's smile is huge and sad. "Why wouldn't we have stayed? We're your friends."

Because they all have _family,_ two loving parents that _want_ them to come home, and they stayed at Hogwarts with Sirius instead. "If any of you ever need help with your parents, I'll write them letters about how amazing you are."


	84. Chapter 84

84\. December 25, 1973

"What the bloody hell is that?"

One of James's gifts is a shimmering silver thing that makes Sirius vaguely uncomfortable. James throws the fabric over his head, and disappears. Peter shouts, probably scared, and Remus's eyes bug out, and for a moment, Sirius panicks, _where's James, what if he can't get back_ —

"Mate...what…where are…" Sirius starts, choking on the words, he _hates_ choking on his words, he takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself, but can't help but be alarmed when James's head and torso appear, seeming to float over nothing. "...who the ruddy hell is your dad?"


	85. Chapter 85

85\. January 10, 1974

They sneak into the Hospital Wing under the Cloak, wanting to finally visit Remus (after the full moon, always the full moon), and he looks bloody _awful_ and Sirius is afraid for him but also afraid to ask.

It's Peter that does it. "You know you can tell us anything."

Remus gives a tight smile. "'Course."

 _He can't be_ — _he_ can't _be—_

Peter tries again, and Sirius wants to shout at him to stop. "Remus...how...well...maybe it's a coincidence, but…"

Remus gives a few wet-sounding coughs. "Don't be stupid, Pete."

"Remus," says James, and then Remus bursts into tears.


	86. Chapter 86

86\. January 11, 1974

"How long have you known?" James asks the two of them as they wait for Remus.

"We don't _know_ anything," Sirius objects.

"A few months," Peter says.

"Don't—"

Remus enters the dormitory, not meeting their eyes. He goes to his bed, refusing to acknowledge them.

"Remus," Sirius starts.

"Don't," Remus snaps.

Sirius doesn't think that he's ever felt quite this sick. "Remus, we don't care."

"About what?"

"About...anything. You're fine to us. You always will be."

They're doing this _wrong_ —

"No, I won't," Remus hiccups.

"Yes, you will," Peter insists.

Remus offers a small smile, tears in his eyes.


	87. Chapter 87

87\. January 21, 1974

They're discussing werewolves in DADA. Avery is saying _awful_ things, and Sirius _refuses_ to let Remus go through this. " _Oratumeo_."

He aims the curse under the table. Avery's lips start swelling in the middle of a word, and there's panic in his eyes. Sirius is suddenly afraid, he's hurt someone, he didn't _want_ to hurt anyone—

"Who did this?!" Professor Simian demands, eyes blazing. Sirius notices Snape watching him, and guilt weighs on him, _I didn't_ mean _to_ —

But the bell rings, and Simian is forced to let them go.

"You shouldn't have done it," Remus says afterwards.

Sirius shrugs.


	88. Chapter 88

88\. April 1, 1974

Merillius and Dirk Cresswell, another Ravenclaw, dared James to replace Slughorn's quill with a firecracker. Nobody seems to notice as James makes the switch, though Remus hisses a reprimand for using the _brilliant_ cloak he got for Christmas on something this stupid.

Slughorn goes back to his desk and picks up the firecracker, enchanted to look like a quill. As he starts to jot down a word, it shoots out of his hand and explodes into green sparks with a large _bang._

Sirius begins to panic, but Slughorn lets out a boom of laughter.

It's hard to feel very guilty.


	89. Chapter 89

89\. May 4, 1974

No one can prove it was _them_ that hexed Mrs. Norris into a suit of armor, but...Sirius just hopes that his parents don't find out that he was sent to the Headmaster. He doubts the bruises would fade quickly.

But the Headmaster's eyes are twinkling behind his strange glasses, and he just says, "I trust that none of you would engage in the accused behavior?"

"No, Headmaster," they all chorus.

"Good. And I trust that no troublemaking at all will come out of you four for the rest of this year?"

"Yes, Headmaster."

Sirius can't tell if he's angry.


	90. Chapter 90

90\. May 10, 1974

He runs into Melisandra on the way back to his compartment from the loo, and suddenly they're talking, and then she laughs and then he laughs, and suddenly he leans in and pecks her on the lips.

She draws back, surprised, and all that Sirius can do to hide his humiliation is grin at her as if he was just telling another joke. Luckily, she laughs, and squeezes his sweaty hand. Sirius's face is burning. He feels like he's made a huge, irreversible mistake. He doesn't know what she wants, and that scares him.

He laughs too, and moves on.


	91. Chapter 91

91\. July 1, 1974

It's _boring_ being locked up in his room all day. He doesn't get much food, and Mother hasn't talked to him since summer started. Sirius occupies himself, though, setting a permanent varnish over the red paint, tries Conjuring a Gryffindor banner, throws some gold stripes onto the wall, and uses Permanent Sticking Charms on about fifty different pictures of his friends.

Then he takes his wand and uses the Colorvaria Pilorum charm on his hair. He traces down every long, dark strand with the tip of his wand, and when he's finished, his hair is entirely bright, garish, glorious pink.


	92. Chapter 92

92\. July 2, 1974

Mother slapped him across the face, but it's _Father's_ punishment that hurts, because Father took his _wand,_ and Sirius _hates_ it. He _hates_ that his only source of power has been stolen from him. He _hates_ his parents for taking his wand and for _being themselves,_ and he _hates_ how _dependent_ he got on his wand. He splits the skin on his knuckles punching the wall and keeps on hitting it, over and over, because the pain must be _good_ and blood doesn't matter anyway.

That night, he wonders what Reg is thinking about all of this.

Fuck the world!


	93. Chapter 93

93\. July 27, 1974

Reg's twelfth birthday ends up being a chance for Sirius to sneak out of the house. He likes being outside with his new ( _amazing!_ ) hair. People _notice_ him.

"Sirius!"

Sirius turns to see a familiar blond. Noah. Father made Number 12 unplottable, and Sirius was wondering if anyone would remember them, if Noah would have forgotten, as he should have. But Noah just smiles. "Are you visiting for the summer?"

"...yeah."

"Well, how have you been? I love your hair."

Noah's blue eyes are kind. Like Peter's. Sirius doesn't deserve to be talking with him.

"I'm fine. What about you?"


	94. Chapter 94

94\. August 1, 1974

Sirius has forgotten how pleasant it is to actually be with Reg. He's a ruddy little fool sometimes, but perfectly nice when he's not around his new Slytherin friends or Mother and Father. They go on a nice walk around London, Sirius showing him his favorite bakery, and them splitting a slice of cheesecake.

On the way back, Sirius spots a familiar shaven head, and for the first time wishes that his hair wasn't so noticeable.

"Sirius!" Noah calls. "Oh, is this your brother?"

Sirius tries to smile and can't. "Yup, this is Reg."

Reg's smile has dropped. "Let's go."


	95. Chapter 95

95\. August 2, 1974

"You didn't tell them."

Reg looks up from his bed. "I need to put a spell on that door, don't I?"

"Or invest in a lock. Muggles use them. They're quite the invention."

"Mudbloods."

"Fine."

Sirius is halfway out the door when Regulus says, "I'm not a bloody snitch!"

"You're very good with a Snitch, though, from what I hear."

"I didn't—stop!"

"My puns are wonderful, thank you very much."

"Why are you doing this?"

"What?"

"You could still come back, Siri, if you would just stop breaking the rules—"

"Stop. You know I can't, Reg." Sirius sighs. "Thanks again."


	96. Chapter 96

96\. September 1, 1974

And it's over! The summer's over! Sirius can't get onto the train fast enough, heading to the third-to-last car, where Peter already is "Sirius! How's your summer been?"

"Fine, you?"

Peter shrugs, and that's _not_ how it's supposed to go. "What happened to you?"

"My da. He...well."

James should be here, _James_ should be dealing with this. "He was a bastard anyway, Pete."

Peter snorts. "That doesn't stop it from hurting."

Peter's father has had one foot out of the door for the last five years. "It's not your fault."

Sirius is not a hugger. He hugs Peter anyway.


	97. Chapter 97

97\. October 1, 1974

"Does it hurt much?"

The subject is taboo, but Sirius can't help himself. Damn his mouth. Remus looks down, rubs his arm, shrugs.

"Kind of. Not much."

"You always look like you're about to die."

"Yeah. It can feel that way. But mostly...it's lonely. Sometimes I wonder if I made you lot up just to deal with it. Wouldn't be the first time. Maybe I'm always living in pain and I just pretend that I'm not."

"We're real. I promise."

Remus gives him a tired smile, and Sirius forces his smile to be wide and as comforting as possible.


	98. Chapter 98

98\. October 29, 1974

Sirius occupies himself with looking for solutions. But there's nothing. There's no cure for being a werewolf. There's no known medicine that can stop the pain of transformation. There's no way to stop werewolves from being a danger to people. Remus pretends that he doesn't know what they're researching, and it hurts Sirius to see him acting so distant.

"Just stop," Remus tells him.

"No."

"Please."

"No."

Sirius can't _bear_ to think about Remus alone! Locked up under a _tree,_ a new body ripping its way out of him every month, turned into an _animal,_ a _monster,_ and all _alone!_


	99. Chapter 99

99\. November 15, 1974

"I thought you'd never ask." James pulls a book out from under his bed. "I snuck into the Restricted Section a week ago. I think that this is the logical next step, right?"

"This is in no way logical," Sirius retorts. "We've done a lot of stupid things, and this is possibly the stupidest."

"Undeniable. But it's what we _can_ do, right?"

"Yes," Peter agrees. "We can get the ingredients from Slughorn."

"We can ask McGonagall about the incantations," James suggests.

"Too risky," says Peter. "We should use the library and the Cloak."

Sirius nods. "No one can ever know."


	100. Chapter 100

100\. December 2, 1974

With the Cloak, the four of them can sneak anywhere unnoticed. Sirius loves it. But they need something that gives them advance warning for when someone else is coming.

It takes several forays into the Restricted Section, some ill-gotten advice from Flitwick (the new Charms teacher) two explosions, an enrollment in Ancient Runes, and multiple missed homework assignments before the paper has been appropriately charmed.

But when they see four small dots with their names on the map of the school, it feels worth it. They've just done some amazing, advanced magic!

"Now we just have to add everyone else."


	101. Chapter 101

101\. December 31, 1974

As it turns out, Remus _hates_ the idea of them becoming Animagi. Somehow, Peter's the one that handles the situation.

"You just need to shut it, Remus. We've done the research. Werewolves don't hurt other animals, just humans—it's in Beastes Most Foule—" Peter winces, Remus doesn't "—and Magick Creatures, and Kettleburn and Loring both said so. We'll be perfectly safe—if you ignore the expulsion bit, I suppose—but that's not the point! We're willing to do this for you, you idiot! It's _our_ choice! We'll be safe, we'll be smart, we won't get caught—you just have to let us _help_ you."


	102. Chapter 102

102\. January 29, 1975

Ancient Runes was supposed to be away to learn how to do advanced, ancient magic, but Sirius honestly enjoys the class. Professor Danielsen is nice, and they learn the meaning of runes and how to cast them, but also their history.

Wands are one of the oldest magical inventions, but before wands came staffs, and before there was any of that, there were just runes. They're an ancient form of wandless magic. They were time-consuming to cast and apparently took lots of energy.

But they were also the first way to harness magical energy.

Sirius thinks that they're pretty amazing.


	103. Chapter 103

103\. February 15, 1975

It's all too easy for James to sneak into Greenhouse 3 under the Cloak and steal some of the Mandrake leaves from the second year's plants.

"We really keep these in our mouths for a month?" Peter asks skeptically.

"Yes," James says casually, and Sirius is constantly wowed by how little he seems to care about all of this. But he catches a flicker of something like fear in James's eyes.

Sirius puts the Mandrake leaf in his mouth. It's slightly bitter, with a very waxy quality. He forces himself not to swallow or chew it. "Amato Animo Animato Animagus."


	104. Chapter 104

104\. March 1, 1975

"Mmm." Remus flips a page. "Mmm."

He's doing that thing where he makes intellectual noises while reading the newspaper. Sirius likes to watch his eyebrows raise and fall when he gets to something that he really hates. He thinks that he'd be content to watch Remus do this for _ages._

He doesn't realize that James is watching him for a while. James flashes him an awkward smile ( _Did I do something wrong? What if he hates me?)_. Sirius makes himself grin and stuffs breakfast into his mouth as if that will erase what just happened.

 _This can never happen again._


	105. Chapter 105

105\. March 4, 1975

When he tells the Marauders that he kissed Samandra Pickering, they all give approving hollers and pats on the back. Sirius thinks that James has a strange look on his face, but he tries to ignore it. He's proven that he's not _wrong,_ that he can be _normal_. Still, he wonders what James is thinking, what Peter knows but doesn't say. Whether Remus is at all hurt by the idea of him kissing someone else.

 _That's mad. Why would Remus care what I do? He's not like me._

And anyway, Samandra is nice, so there's no reason to feel melancholy.


	106. Chapter 106

106\. March 11, 1975

"I swallowed the leaf," Peter sobs.

James has that, _oh, Peter,_ look on his face, but Sirius just gives him a side-hug. "We've got time. We can try again."

"But—but—"

"Don't worry, Peter," Remus puts in, glaring at James.

"It's not a problem, Pete," James agrees.

"I can't do _anything_ right!" Peter wails.

"Yes, you can," Sirius promises.

"No, I can't. You should just stop letting me hang off of you. Everything that I do is wrong."

"Shut it, Peter," James says. "We _like_ you. We _want_ you around. We'll just start again."

After all, life is all about starting over.


	107. Chapter 107

107\. April 2, 1975

"Amato Animo Animato Animagus," the four of them chant.

They quickly leave the loo and hurry to Herbology. Becoming an Animagus is just as complicated as Sirius expected, and even more annoying that he had counted on. But he reminds himself that once they're done with this, they'll be able to help Remus. Remus mentioned that his father hated werewolves, and Sirius nearly had a conniption at the thought of Remus having to handle that alone.

Maybe they, and Peter, will run away together. To James's house, since he offered.

It must be nice to have parents who like you.


	108. Chapter 108

108\. April 17, 1975

James and Sirius sneak out under the Cloak to collect the dew that they need for the potion. It has to be out of sunlight for seven days before the full moon.

They can't use a Summoning charm or anything like that, so in the dark, on their knees, they move through the wet dirt and cold grass and scrape drops of dew off of grass into a phail by hand.

"We should do this more often," James jokes.

It's four in the morning and Sirius is covered in mud. "Say that again and I'll hex you into next week."


	109. Chapter 109

109\. April 20, 1975

It was supposed to be a stupid dare, but Sirius feels bad for James's pride.

"You must be insane if you think I'd want to go out with you," Lily Evans is ranting. "I'm not sure if you've forgotten about the years of blatant disrespect and general toeraggedness that you've put Severus and I through, but I certainly have not! You practically embody everything that I find unattractive in the general human population!"

She storms off. Peter gives James a gentle pat on the back. "She doesn't mean it."

For some reason, James has a stupid smile on his face.


	110. Chapter 110

110\. April 25, 1975

Remus is gone for the full moon. The remaining three go into the second-floor girl's room and spit out their leaves with enthusiasm. James lets the dew drip into the cauldron, and then they add the Doxy wings and Kagi blood and water and set a fire underneath it.

The leaves, which stayed perfectly green and waxy during the month, dissolve into the potion as James stirs it. The darker liquid of blood forms three perfect concentric circles within the cauldron, like a ripple trapped in time, before mixing with the water.

It's horrifying, but at the same time beautiful.


	111. Chapter 111

111\. May 2, 1975

"Did you know there's a school in Uganda where you can learn how to be an Animagus by fourteen?"

All three of them stare at James, dead-eyed.

"James, we have exams tomorrow," Sirius snaps.

Remus sighs. "What's the point of knowing that, anyway? It's not like it affects us."

"But it's good to know," Peter hastily adds.

"I was thinking, though, we could try to get in contact with a student there. McGonagall became one when she was seventeen. D'ya think we can beat her?"

"What does that _matter_?!"

" _Why_ do you know that?!"

"Have you been studying at _all_?!"


	112. Chapter 112

112\. May 3, 1975

They all breathe a sigh of relief when there's an electrical storm on the 3rd. They sneak into the bathroom to where their potion has been out of the light of day for a week, and recite the incantations as the lightning wildly strikes outside. It's chaotic, and the chaos almost seems to seep through the walls and into the room, where Remus and James and even Peter look almost terrifying in the strange light.

But they're his friends, and Sirius is warm in his Hogwarts cloak, and he lets the chaos bounce off of him.

He can do this.


	113. Chapter 113

113\. May 9, 1975

It's back to Number 12 and to being locked in his room all summer. Sirius broke it off with Samandra and stocked up on sweets in anticipation of this. The potion was safely transported to James's house with the help of "Tupperwares," as Peter calls them.

As asked, James sends him an owl, and Sirius figures out how to get the owl through the barriers undetected. Once the communication barrier is down, he spends all of his time reading, trying to improve his knowledge. He wants to be able to escape into the real world as soon as possible.


	114. Chapter 114

114\. August 28, 1975

After a month of arguing, Mother agreed to let him see James. He's Pureblood, after all, and the Potters are an ancient family. The Potter house is not at all ornate and ostentatious like the Black house. It's simple, painted blue. Sirius thinks that it's impossible for a blue house to be ugly. Mrs. Potter is kind and Mr. Potter heaps compliments onto him.

"Nice family," Sirius tells James.

"No need to joke."

"I mean it."

"Then drop by for tea more. Sirius...are you alright?"

Sirius knows that he knows.

"I'm fine," Sirius lies, wondering why he does it.


	115. Chapter 115

115\. October 11, 1975

Sirius can't deny that James is the best damn Chaser he's ever seen. Not that he knows very much about Quidditch.

But James flickers and dives through the air, leading the Ravenclaws into corners and far up into the air, twisting and turning and stealing the Quaffle to score over and over. At one point, he goes into a nosedive, and a Ravenclaw follows him. James turns up, but Burns doesn't—

Burns should be fine, Nurse Sinder says. Just a broken nose and broken arm.

Sirius doesn't tell anyone that James was crying after the game.


	116. Chapter 116

116\. October 26, 1975

"Looks like Snivellus is late to class again," James drawls as Snape runs in late to Divination.

Snape shoots them a glare before sitting beside Evans.

"Say, what were you doing, Snivellus?" James asks him. "Did you oversleep? Or just forget where the room was?"

"Shut up," Snape mutters.

"Oh, come on," Sirius joins in. "There's no shame in it. We all know how forgetful you can be."

"Just last week, wasn't it, that you forgot you weren't on the Quidditch team? I'll admit, for a moment I thought you were a rather large mud puddle. It's probably the hair."


	117. Chapter 117

117\. October 31, 1975

"Is this supposed to be happening?!"

"I have no idea!"

They've been impossibly careful with every step of the spell, and while they've hit minor hiccups, they've never had a full-on disaster like this one. But the potion has started to give off a foul odor and shoot sparks, and the top of it seems to be _curdling._

"Have you skimmed the potion?" Remus shouts.

" _What?!"_

"Well, then!"

Remus is the one who takes action, taking the stirring spoon and skimming the top and removing the filmy part that has congealed there.

Sirius scowls. "This can never, _ever_ happen again."


	118. Chapter 118

118\. November 8, 1975

McGonagall that tells Sirius that Regulus is alternate Seeker for the Slytherin team, and he doesn't know what to feel. Why couldn't _Regulus_ have told him? Why is Sirius so out of touch? He's the world's worst brother. And is he even a brother at all?

Still, he can't hide how bloody _brilliant_ that is, how _proud_ of Reg he is. It's a strange feeling, pride. He hopes that Reg is feeling proud of himself.

"Don't tell him that I'm happy," he tells McGonagall. "I'd probably...embarrass him." How else to say it?

She just watches him with unfathomable eyes.


	119. Chapter 119

119\. December 15, 1975

The potion, finally finished, is bitter and makes Sirius want to throw up.

The look on Remus's face is angry and disapproving but still full of hope and gratefulness and for the first time Sirius feels a strange twinge of anger. _This is all for you. Are you grateful? Or do you wish that we weren't here?_

The feeling as he begins to twist and change is terrifying and full of fury and madness— _Merlin, what if I can't change back?! Let me change back!_

There is only panic and horror as he realizes that he is no longer human.


	120. Chapter 120

120\. December 15, 1975

There is pride, too. They've done something that some wizards can't do until their seventies! They've managed to pull off one of the hardest magical events! But then there is a feeling of falling into an abyss. They've done it. But what comes next?! Are they really going to go down into the Shack with Remus every full moon? What if someone finds out? Did they think that they could do this forever without any consequences?!

Sirius looks into his new dog-face and feels an overwhelming sense of revulsion and self-hatred.

Is this what he's allowed himself to become?


	121. Chapter 121

121\. December 16, 1975

"It wasn't a dream," Peter says.

Somehow, James laughs. "I can't believe we did it!"

 _Does he really think this is a_ joke? _Why is he laughing?!_

"Disappointed with your form, Pete?" Sirius asks.

Peter snorts. "Rats are fine. Easier to sneak around as a rat than as a _stag._ I wonder what that says about your personality."

"That I am a majestic, beautiful animal—"

"That you are an annoyance that has proliferated throughout the woods—"

James punches Sirius's shoulder. "Don't mock me. I'll run you through with my antlers."

"It wasn't a dream," Peter marvels. "It's not a dream."


	122. Chapter 122

122\. December 18, 1975

It's too soon before the next full moon occurs, but still, they sneak down through the woods to the Willow. Peter sneaks beyond the branches and the tree goes silent, and Sirius skulks in while James follows with some difficulty. _Regret that form yet?_

They move through the passage and end up in a darkened room.

Sirius can only assume that what they find is Remus.

But he's covered in fur and blood and there's an insane look in his eyes and Sirius feels _disgust_ —

He pushes that feeling down.

 _It's alright, Remus. We're here now._


	123. Chapter 123

123\. December 25, 1975

Sirius stares at the ceiling. He can't sleep.

The bed below him is Conjured and unfamiliar and the windows and walls are all new and slightly frightening. And James is asleep in the bed next to him, like always, but instead of being at Hogwarts they're at the Potter home.

He likes it here. He likes it far too much. Sirius knows better than to wish for things he can't have. Like family.

He closes his eyes and lets the warm air wash over him and listens to James breathing and decides to take these beautiful things as they come.


	124. Chapter 124

124\. January 3, 1976

"Go out with me, Evans?"

"Stay away from me, you obnoxious, hare-brained piece of toe fungus."

Sirius doesn't really like Evans, but he respects her insults. He catches sight of Snivellus smirking at them. "Got a problem?"

"Your friend doesn't have a chance," Snivellus whispers to them under his breath.

"Neither do you, last I checked," Sirius replies.

Remus kicks Sirius in the shins, and Sirius gives him an affronted look. Remus gives him a sarcastic smile, and Sirius finds himself grinning back.

Snivellus turns away but he whispers something that makes Sirius's blood boil—

"Fag."


	125. Chapter 125

125\. January 17, 1976

Sirius hasn't been talking with Remus as much ever since Snivellus accused him of...that. But they don't need to talk when they're all animals, and for the first time, the full moon is _fun._ They have friendly brawls with each other, work on getting used to movement in their new forms, scratch up the walls just because they _can._ Peter is especially frolicky in his new form, darting between them and running across James's back. For the first time, James is clumsy, getting his prongs antlers stuck everywhere.

It feels like a shame that they have to leave.


	126. Chapter 126

126\. February 2, 1976

Apparently James made some amazing scores during the game against Ravenclaw, but Sirius didn't see them, because he and Lisa Brooks were sneaking back into the castle and snogging in the second-floor corridor.

He doesn't know why he did it. She's pretty and smart and funny, sure. He wouldn't _mind_ going out with her. But he doesn't particularly _want_ to. He promised James that he'd watch this game.

So why did he kiss her? Why can't he keep any of his promises? Why does he feel guilty when he looks at Remus? Why can he never make rational decisions?


	127. Chapter 127

127\. March 1, 1976

Peter wakes them all up by screaming.

"Pete! What the hell's happening?" James demands.

Peter silences himself, giving them a sheepish look. "Sorry. It's just Transfiguration."

OWLs are coming up, and all of them are worried, but not as worried as Peter is. "Peter, have you slept at all?" Sirius asks.

Peter shrugs. "Maybe."

"Pete! You can't do this to yourself!"

Peter shoots James a cold glare. "I very well can."

"Peter!"

"Stop," Peter orders, and Sirius thinks he's going to cry. "You don't need to help me. Just stop."

"Next time," Sean ventures, "can you...not wake us up?"


	128. Chapter 128

128\. March 17, 1976

And of course two weeks later, Sirius is the one staying up for thirty-six hours. He needs to conquer the Pepper-Up Potion before next week or his grade'll go down by more than he can afford. OWLs are coming up. Sirius can't fail them. He has to at least exceed expectations or he'll never manage to exist in the wizarding world. Without good OWLs, he won't get a job or be able to live a normal life as a wizard, away from his parents. He'll be trapped.

He can't be trapped. He won't ever let himself waste away at home!


	129. Chapter 129

129\. April 4, 1976

"I expect that none of you will cheat," McGonagall addresses the fifth-year Gryffindors. Sirius is offended that her gaze seems to hover over the Marauders more than anyone else. "I must tell you that if you do, you will certainly be forced to retake your OWLs, perhaps even in sixth year. I'm sure that none of you want to do that. And expulsion isn't out of the question. I encourage you not to be fools." She makes eye contact with Sirius, but for once, Sirius doesn't have anything to hide. He'd never risk his chances of having a good life.


	130. Chapter 130

130\. April 14, 1976

They're sneaking across the grounds to the Willow. Peter runs in to shut off the tree, and Sirius darts through the hole in the ground.

It takes a moment for him to realize that James is stuck. _Stuck,_ of all things. It's the bloody antlers. Sirius goes back and tries to help detatch them from the ceiling, panic going through him. What if they get caught? What if James can't get out? What if they're stuck down here until Remus changes back?

Afterwards, James tries to joke about about it, but Sirius can't manage to find it funny.


	131. Chapter 131

131\. May 1, 1976

"Good luck with OWLs."

Sirius feels like he's been hit with a Shocking Spell. Slowly, he turns to see Regulus. Reg's hair has grown out, slightly like Sirius's, but Regulus has it tied back in a ponytail. For a moment, Sirius opens and shuts his mouth, unable to believe that Regulus is actually talking with him.

Regulus turns red and nods at him, turning around and walking away. Sirius kicks himself into control. "Thanks!"

He hates how happy he sounds, and knows that Regulus does, too. Regulus doesn't want to be reminded of what a shameful older brother he has.


	132. Chapter 132

132\. May 7, 1976

As they walk into the practical exam, Sirius freezes completely.

"Sirius?"

Sirius just shakes his head. His vision is becoming spotted, and his breath is growing fast and out of control. He wheezes slightly, doubling over. He can't see anything—why won't his breathing _behave_ — _I'm going to fail, I'm going to fail_ —

"Sirius!"

Something smacks him on the back. Sirius falls, but James pulls him back up. "C'mon, mate. You can do this."

"It's going to be okay," Remus adds, grasping Sirius's shoulder.

Sirius had never realized how kind Remus's stupidly beautiful eyes were.

"Thanks," he manages, wanting to die.


	133. Chapter 133

133\. May 14, 1976

Exam week is a haze of nothingness. Sirius can't recall how he did except that he did badly, that he failed the Tickling Charm completely, that he definitely didn't study the Goblin Wars enough, that his rune knowledge was woefully below par.

He's shaky on his feet as they make their way outside, but he forces himself to put on a confident grin. No one can know how badly he did, what a failure he is. He can't take being hated by everyone here.

And then Snape gives them his stupid, arrogant smirk, and Sirius wants to bash his brains in.


	134. Chapter 134

134\. May 15, 1976

Maybe they went too far.

Sirius won't apologize. Snivellus was a dangerous, slimy piece of shite, and if he finally let Evans see his true colors, then that's a good deed done. Sirius doesn't quite agree with James's looks of happiness. Still, he won't let James be the one to send Snivellus off.

"She doesn't want to talk with you," he tells Snivellus, who's outside of the portrait hole.

"Like you know."

"Everyone knows. You just refuse to accept it."

"Fuck off! I don't need to hear it from you—"

"Then hear it from me."

Evans is there. Sirius leaves.


	135. Chapter 135

135\. May 25, 1976

On the way home, now that fifth year is over, the four Marauders end up sprawled on the floor in a heap rather than actually sitting on the train seats. It's just a testament to the fact that they're all exhausted and worn out and half-dead. They're piled on top of each other, none of them speaking, just enjoying the comfortable silence and trying to pretend that they're not panicking over OWL results with every passing moment.

Sirius finally declares, "well, that wasn't so bad."

Three voices answer him with, "sod off!"

Sirius laughs and accidentally catches Remus's smiling eyes.


	136. Chapter 136

136\. June 11, 1976

Normally Mother and Father ignored him, but now they've decided to talk about Death Eaters and the Dark Lord and Muggle killings in front of him, as if he's just such a nonentity that he doesn't even have the brains to care. What's almost worse is that Regulus talks about it with them. It makes Sirius _sick._ Regulus is a child. A bloody _child!_ Sirius glares at everything and slouches around and not a single person cares. It doesn't take much for Mother to go off at him, and no one ever steps in, not that Sirius expected them to.


	137. Chapter 137

137\. June 15, 1976

Sirius is done. _Done!_

"You can't keep me here anymore!" he shrieks at Mother.

"Never again!" he thunders at Father.

And then he takes his trunk and his wand and walks down the staircase out of Number 12.

They don't want him to be happy! To _live!_ But he'll be damned if he lets them get the say in his life. He's beyond this! He deserves to do what he wants, he deserves a chance not to be the villain for once! He deserves friendship and he's damn sick of his parents telling him that he doesn't!


	138. Chapter 138

138\. June 15, 1976

"You walk out that door, and you're not a part of this family!" Mother shrieks.

Sirius darkly laughs, not looking at her, his eyes focused on the door. "That would be awful, wouldn't it?"

"I'll burn your name off the tree, I will—"

"Who cares?" Sirius says, and then, "in fact, it's probably better if you do it. We all need a clean break."

"Sirius!" Mother screams at him, as if she can make him return.

She can't. Never again will she be able to.

Sirius steps outside.

The night air is cold and damp and smells of liberation.


	139. Chapter 139

139\. June 17, 1976

Sirius knows that he needs to contact his friends, to figure out what he's doing with his life, but he can't make himself. He's been staying in the worst cheap hotel for the last few nights and he never wants to leave. He sleeps late and stays out late, in a cheap London neighborhood with all the worst people, and the bartenders don't care about drinking ages and the people on the street don't care either, and Sirius is so beyond worrying that it's funny. He tries his first cigarette. He writes letters and burns them.

He fancies himself an artist.


	140. Chapter 140

140\. June 30, 1976

He doesn't know if she thought he was older or if she was just having fun. He doesn't know her name and can't really remember her face or her voice or anything else about her.

He does remember how it felt to wildly kiss her, how he didn't object when she took it farther. He remembers how good it felt to lose his virginity. He feels like a fool, but he remembers the pleasure of it, how it felt so good, _so good,_ to be close to another damn human being.

He doesn't regret it. And he almost wants more.


	141. Chapter 141

141\. July 2, 1976

He could go to a wizarding bar, but doesn't feel the need or have the wish. Instead, he goes down to a small diner on the outskirts of London, horrible food and watery cider and shouting voices, and lets himself become consumed by the chaos that surrounds him.

He orders something new every hour or so to justify his existence and watches the people in the adjacent booth change. A man with a green hat, then a little girl with two short plaits, then a woman with raspberry-colored lipstick. Flashes of a red dress. An unweatherly scarf. A smile.


	142. Chapter 142

142\. July 5, 1976

Sirius has started seven letters to each of his friends and found it impossible to finish any of them. What is he supposed to say? That he walked out? That he's irresponsible? That he's a coward that doesn't want to go back? How does he explain how beautiful the Muggle world is without taking them through London to see everything that the Muggles have created? How does he express the taste of freedom without first taking them through fifteen years of Number 12? And how does he admit that he doesn't want their help, he just wants their love?


	143. Chapter 143

143\. July 11, 1976

He stares at the cracked wooden ceiling. He carefully breathes in and out, slightly comforted by the sound of his own breath, as lonely as it seems without the breathing of the other Marauders. It's well past midnight. Sirius was working on a drawing of the facade across the street. It was fun, much too fun, and he wonders if he couldn't spend his entire life doing this. His money is getting low, but he could get a job. He could stay here. He could escape to here. Wouldn't that be the ultimate way to hurt his family?


	144. Chapter 144

144\. July 13, 1976

An hour of work at the coffeehouse and Sirius is already exhausted. He had thought that his experience with exams and with Mother would be enough to get him through a day of work, but apparently not! Serving people is irritating, the coffee is hard to make, and Muggle money is impossible to count! Sirius _hates_ the feeling of being weak, privileged, and the sense that he'll never make it in the Muggle world! Glaring at the coffee, he pours in some cream. It won't defeat him.

 _If OWLs didn't get to me, then nothing can._


	145. Chapter 145

145\. July 19, 1976

"There's nothing."

"Pardon?"

Sirius remembers the customer across from him and serves her coffee, moving onto the next customer. He hadn't meant to speak his thoughts out loud. Still, sometimes it's hard to keep the feelings of desperate confusion at bay. What is he doing with his life? Where in his life plan was _join the Muggle world?_ But at the same time, Hogwarts means seeing Regulus and seeing the Marauders, who he's deceived into thinking he's a good person.

And out here, there's no pressure to be a good wizard, to uphold the family name. There's nothing.


	146. Chapter 146

146\. August 1, 1976

He's woken up in the middle of the night by something tapping on his window. Angrily, he yanks it open, and nearly has a heart attack when an owl bursts into the room. It takes a few moments for Sirius to see the letter around its claw, and then his breathing quickens. He can't have his OWL scores, he knows that he failed…

But the owl glares at him. It's an aggressive old bird and almost reminds Sirius of his professors. It advances on him and doesn't leave until Sirius takes the letter, and then, it keeps glaring at him.


	147. Chapter 147

147\. August 1, 1976

He can't do this, he _can't_ do this, he failed, he can never go back—but the owl keeps glaring, and the anger in its gaze forces Sirius to rip open the thick envelope. _Merlin, Merlin_ —

And then he spots the first EE, next to Ancient Runes—his breathing quickens—and then there's another EE! And under that, an O! An O! EE, A, EE, EE, O, O! He hasn't failed, he's passed! He's passed! Months of panic and worry and he's come through it all, he's passed! Satisfied, the owl flaps out the window, but Sirius barely notices, overcome with relief and jubilation!


	148. Chapter 148

148\. August 5, 1976

"Are you alright, love?"

The diner is having a slow night, so the waitress was able to single Sirius out. He smiles at her, not even faking it. "Fine."

"Are you sure? Will your parents be here?"

 _Merlin, I hope not,_ Sirius thinks, and then he lies, "I'm older than I look. Honest mistake."

"Of course. Sorry."

As she turns to leave, he wishes that he could tell her how confused he is. How he doesn't know what to do. How the OWL results are clearly a message that he needs to go back, but has no inkling of how to achieve that goal.


	149. Chapter 149

149\. August 8, 1976

After what was one of the best months of his life (and most stressful), Sirius settles his tab at the hostel and catches a train to the town Godric's Hollow is hidden in. The world outside the train flashes by as if in fast-motion, and Sirius finds himself regretting the fact that he'll never see or understand those moments. How many people has he missed that could have been part of his life? How many opportunities have gone by without him realizing? His breath clouds up the window, and he pulls back, instead staring at the seat in front of him.


	150. Chapter 150

150\. August 9, 1976

He finds himself slowing down as he walks towards the Potter house. He doesn't want to admit his weakness to James, nor to James's parents, nor to anyone. How could he face the world if they all knew how weak he's been? How weak he still is? How does he deserve to have magic or friends when he can't manage to conduct himself? Sirius suddenly realizes that as horrible as his family is, they were a way that he could pull himself through the wizarding world. A ship made of knives is better than being alone in the ocean.


	151. Chapter 151

151\. August 9, 1976

Something tackles him from behind and Sirius staggers, trying to fight his assailant off. He hears an _oof_ and then James falls to the ground, holding his stomach.

"Blimey, mate...you've got a good hit."

"James?!"

"The one and only. Did you have to hit so hard?"

Sirius remembers that his surprise is unfounded, as James _lives_ here and Sirius does not, and then goes bright red at the latest in a series of his misdemeanors. He gives James a hand, and James gets up. "So you're finally here."

"What?"

"I was wondering when you'd come. We were worried about you."


	152. Chapter 152

152\. August 9, 1976

"Worried about me? Why?"

James looks at him as if dumbfounded. "What the hell do you mean? You were gone for a month? Peter was convinced you were dead, and Remus wasn't any better! I told them that you'd be back when you wanted to, but even _I_ was halfway sure that you'd been eaten by a dragon or something! Why were you gone?"

Sirius opens his mouth to explain everything, to finally tell the truth, and then gags like a fish because he can't force the words out. Even to himself, he seems like he's overreacting, just silly, stupid.


	153. Chapter 153

153\. August 9, 1976

"Sirius?" James says, prompting him, and Sirius still can't force a single word out. What would James _say?_ Do? Would he be disgusted or find it funny? Would be take Sirius in or force him away, never speaking with him again?

"I just...left," Sirius manages after some struggle.

"Left home? A month ago? And just dropped off the face of the earth?"

"I needed some...time, I suppose?"

"Oh, Sirius."

James looks at him sympathetically and Sirius is disgusted with the both of them. He doesn't _want_ sympathy, he wants—

What _does_ he want?

He just doesn't know.


	154. Chapter 154

154\. August 9, 1976

He allows James to drag him towards the Potter house, which James unlocks. It seems empty, completely dark, but then someone switches the light on and a small house-elf runs towards them. "Master James is home! And he has a friend!" The house-elf turns to Sirius and begins scrubbing at Sirius's dirty hand with a dishcloth. "Different clothes, and a cleaner face, yes! Master James's friend must be cleaned off!"

James waves the house-elf off, and mutters, "sorry about that."

"Not a problem," Sirius assures him. "I'm the one imposing."

"You're not imposing."

What a strange (beautiful) home.


	155. Chapter 155

155\. August 9, 1976

"Are you going back home?" James asks.

"No," Sirius says, too quickly. "Not that—well, I'm not staying here. Don't worry."

"Don't _worry?!_ Sirius, if you want me to calm down, stay where I can see you! It's not a problem, it's what friends do for each other!"

"James, I'm not asking—I could never ask—I don't want to stay with you, I promise—"

"Shut the bloody hell up, Sirius! You can at least stay a few nights, my parents won't mind, and then reevaluate! I doubt that my parents'd care if you stayed forever! You don't have to go back!"


	156. Chapter 156

156\. August 9, 1976

Of course Sirius knew that Number 12 was awful, but it's strangely offensive to hear someone else point it out. He opens his mouth to object, and James doesn't stop him, but when he's stopped talking, James insists, "stay the rest of the summer. Please."

Sirius is going to object, only the door opens and Mrs. Potter walks in. A tall older woman with green streaks in her hair, she drops the bags she was holding when she sees him. Sirius scrambles to apologize, but she practically tackles him before he can speak, and Sirius realizes after a moment that it's a _hug._


	157. Chapter 157

157\. August 9, 1976

"Sirius Black, it's you!" Mrs. Potter laughs. "James was worried, but I told him to be calm. I knew you'd come here at some point. Well, I don't fancy spending the rest of the summer around you two—I think that James is a bad influence," Mrs. Potter confides to Sirius in an undertone, and James groans.

"Mrs. Potter, really, it's just temporary—"

"You have somewhere else to go?"

"Well—no, but—Mrs. Potter, I couldn't ask you—"

"So polite! Maybe you could teach James something. I joke, dear, I wouldn't put that job on anyone I liked. It's settled, you're staying."


	158. Chapter 158

158\. August 9, 1976

Mrs. Potter strong-arms him into spending dinner with them. Mr. Potter arrives at home and acts just as pleased to see Sirius—but Sirius knows it's just an act, they're humoring James like they always do, there's no way they want him here. Dinner is delicious. Sirius has forgotten how good a hot meal is. And before Sirius can leave, Mr. Potter shows him to a spare bedroom—and Sirius just wants them to stop.

Don't they realize what they're doing? He doesn't _want_ to leave—and now they're making it harder for when they tell him to get out. He can't handle that.


	159. Chapter 159

159\. August 10, 1976

The night was long and mostly sleepless. The room is big and clean and it smells like sheets and cinnamon and magic. It smells like a home. And the covers are warm and clean and soft. Sirius doesn't want to leave. He doesn't want to be forced out of yet another home. He doesn't want to embarrass himself. But at the same time, he can't imagine forcing his presence on another family. How could anyone want him? He's a failure. His own parents didn't want him. And for some reason, James is his friend. Sirius can't risk ruining that.


	160. Chapter 160

160\. August 10, 1976

The house-elf serves James breakfast, and James mentions going to a hidden Quidditch pitch. _Sounds fun_ — _stop talking_ — _don't do this to me._ Mr. Potter smiles widely as he leaves for work. _Thank you_ — _stop it_ — _don't act like you want me here._ Mrs. Potter leaves for her job and insists on giving Sirius a hug— _why are you doing this?!_

No matter how much they insist they want him here, no matter how much James talks about how much fun they could have, Sirius can't stop himself from imagining a horrible end to his time here. This kind of perfection doesn't belong to him.


	161. Chapter 161

161\. August 10, 1976

"Sirius, would you like to stay with us?" Mrs. Potter asks.

Sirius can't speak for a moment and then answers, "yes, please."

It's such an understatement that he wants to laugh. But he doesn't, he just gives an awkward smile as Mrs. Potter grins. James buries him in a hug, and Sirius is uncomfortable and embarrassed by the contact, but manages to hug James back anyway.

"Thank you, he mutters into James's hair, and James hugs him tighter.

"You're staying forever, mate."

"Alright."

It is such a strange feeling, being wanted, and not wishing for more or other.


	162. Chapter 162

162\. August 15, 1976

He and James don't have much of a curfew, and they wander the streets of Godric's Hollow late at night. The summer air is warm and it's not raining. Crickets chirp. It's peaceful, beautiful.

"I wish I had grown up here," Sirius finds himself saying. The night makes him uninhibited.

"It was nice," James agrees. "If I ever had a kid—well, that's not for a while." He takes a deep breath. "Do you want to talk about it?"  
"About what?"

"About your home. And...and why you left."

Sirius shrugs and James doesn't push and Sirius knows he'll never be able to talk about it.


	163. Chapter 163

163\. August 21, 1976

"What would you have been if you were a Muggle?" Sirius asks.

"Distracting me isn't going to stop be from scoring on you!"

Sirius easily catches James's throw. "Answer."  
"I don't know, mate. One of those—doctors, I suppose. It's about the only job I know. But it's like a Healer, innit?"

"Yeah. That's a good one."  
James throws the Quaffle again, and this time it sails past Sirius, who goes diving after it. When he's returned, James asks the same question.

Sirius tosses the Quaffle back at James. He's not embarrassed, because James doesn't know what he's talking about. "Probably an astronaut."


	164. Chapter 164

164\. August 29, 1976

"I don't really want to go back to Hogwarts."

"Because you'll see your brother?"

Sirius is surprised by the question and laughs. "No, not at all. It's about McGonagall. And failing classes. Not living up to expectations. Or breaking so many laws that they break my wand."

James winces. "I forgot how much of a possibility that was."  
"C'mon, Prongs, we're too handsome for prison."

"Thank Merlin for my face. Think Evans'll—"

"No." Sirius laughs. "Go for someone else, James."  
"Yeah, I know. But still. She's...something else."

"In all of the worst ways."

James only shrugs. "I suppose."


	165. Chapter 165

165\. September 1, 1976

Going to King's Cross with the Potters is entirely different from with Sirius's own family. They chatter brightly about everything that they see, and their friendly voices are easy to get caught up in. They hug both James and Sirius goodbye and make them promise to write, as well as giving ample encouragement for the rest of the year. Even when James and Sirius are in their compartment, he can see them waiting for the train to leave.

"Sorry about them," James says, ears red.

Sirius shakes his head. "I think they're wonderful."


	166. Chapter 166

166\. September 1, 1976

Sirius opens the door and is thrown off-balance by Peter. He drops his bags, hugging back. "Hey, Pete."

"Sirius! Where have you been?! Are you alright?! What happened?! Can you tell us?!"

"At James's. And London. I'm fine. I'll be fine," Sirius answers.

"You can't just disappear like that! We were so worried!"  
Somehow Peter reminds Sirius of an grandmother. "I'm very sorry," Sirius mutters, hugging Peter tight, relishing the feeling of care. It's impossible to doubt that Peter cares about all of them. Then Sirius releases him and takes a step back and sees Remus.


	167. Chapter 167

167\. September 1, 1976

Remus is shaking slightly and he's not a touchy-feely kind of person, nor should anyone ever imply that he is, but he crosses the compartment in two steps and buries Sirius in a hug. Sirius tenses and then relaxes into Remus, who is warm and solid and smells like woodsmoke and rainwater and the hug just feels _right_ and that makes Sirius feel _wrong_ —and Remus doesn't let go, and neither does Sirius, and as Remus hugs him Sirius lets a few tears fall for the first time, and he feels something on the back of his neck and knows that Remus is crying, too.


	168. Chapter 168

168\. September 3, 1976

He likes Remus. More than he should. It makes him feel dirty. His thoughts just aren't _right,_ everyone knows that, and Remus would hate him.

He smiles at Katherine Dench one of two times and it's not long before they're leaving the Great Hall together after breakfast and snogging under the stairs. Sort of exposed, sort of not. Anyone could see them if they tried, and Sirius doesn't care quite enough. _Let_ them see him. He doesn't mind if they do. It'll prove a point, at least.

He just feels dirtier afterwards.


	169. Chapter 169

169\. September 7, 1976

He spots Regulus in the Entrance Hall, talking with a gang of Slytherins. He suddenly feels as if his legs have been cut out from under him, because Regulus is from home, Regulus _is_ home—and Regulus looks so happy, so handsome, healthy and like a good son does—and Sirius knows that Regulus doesn't care, Regulus is probably happy that Sirius is finally gone, that damn _Death Eater,_ he's happy to have a family so singularly committed to the Dark Lord and to blood purity and he wouldn't want Sirius back even if Sirius wanted to go back himself.


	170. Chapter 170

170\. Sebtember 8, 1976

They sneak into the Shrieking Shack, their routine still perfect. Peter gets the Willow to stop. They go into. Remus tries to attack them, but James and Sirius hold him back, and he eventually gets a whiff of them and recognizes them as friends.

They will play with him, tearing up the Shack and making noises. They use their claws and prongs to draw designs in the wood. They imagine stories that they don't tell each other. Sometimes they all just lay down next to Remus and listen as he whimpers in pain and grief and try to comfort him.


	171. Chapter 171

171\. September 14, 1976

NEWT-level Ancient Runes is the best class that Sirius has ever been in. It's absolutely tiny, but that just makes it intimate, and Professor Danielsen isn't afraid to joke around with them. He calls Sirius by his first name and doesn't object when Sirius gets sarcastic. They get started with a bang, actually learning how to put their power into runes. It's exhausting and leaves Sirius feeling like he's run fifty kilometers, and the rune doesn't glow or move or do anything interesting, but when Sirius touches it it feels slightly warm and he can at least imagine a pulse within it that matches his own.


	172. Chapter 172

172\. September 28, 1976

"Stay away from me, Potter."

"C'mon, Evans, someone as smart as you has got to see that we've got _loads_ of tension between us."

"Potter…"

" _Loads._ Shouldn't we just try this? See where it goes?"

"I despise you."

"I really think that you're mistaking infuriation for love, Evans. Let's just try this. See where it goes."

"You are the least attractive person that I could possibly imagine."

James runs his hand through his hair, grinning. "I love it when you talk to me like that."

"Ugh!"

"I love getting a... _reaction..._ out of you."

"You're not attractive."

"Well, that was just unnecessary!"


	173. Chapter 173

174\. October 9, 1976

After Evans turns down James for the millionth time, Peter steps in.

"James, I know that you like her. But you've got to stop. She's not interested, and the more you push, the more she's going to hate you."

James smirks. "I know. But I love seeing her get annoyed."

"Please," Remus objects. "You're just afraid that she won't pay attention to you if you don't beg for it."

"I don't _beg._ "

"Yes, you do," Sirius says. "It's pathetic, actually."

Peter nods. "You've got to change your course. Woo her."

Remus and Sirius crack up at 'woo,' but James stays completely serious. "I'm James Potter. I don't _woo_."


	174. Chapter 174

174\. October 31, 1976

"Mr. Black—"

Sirius looks up. McGonagall's look of anger turns to surprise as she realizes that he is actually taking notes. She stops herself. "Well, I'm glad to see that you've changed your tune on Transfiguration. If you were talking with Mr. Potter _again,_ then I would have been forced to do the teaching equivalent of taking a sledgehammer to your grade in this class. Mr. Potter, I will thank you to stop talking with Mr. Black."

The very idea of McGonagall taking his grade down terrifies Sirius. He can't afford that.


	175. Chapter 175

175\. November 9, 1976

As he watches James fail at flirting with Evans, he realizes that Melisandra Fawley has come to stand next to him. She has grown to be taller than he is, and he's jealous. She smiles at him slightly. "This is...interesting."

"Don't remind me."

She laughs. "But what about you? Is there anyone that you're interested in?"

"Anyone that catches my fancy," Sirius lies with swagger.

She shifts, uncomfortable. "I heard about your family. Are you…"

"I'm fine. Thanks for asking."

They chat for a bit. She's pleasant. He's guarded. Nothing is the same.


	176. Chapter 176

76\. November 29, 1976

He doesn't quite remember how he ended up in Filch's closet with Eserra Silverstein, but they're both mostly naked and she's embarrassed at at the same time grinning (she's nice, sure, but he wants to get away from her), and he thinks that last night involved a lot of Firewhiskey and too much talking and some pawing at each other. He hugs her goodbye and runs back to the dormitory, bursting in. Remus is the only one awake.

"Everything alright?" he asks.

Sirius can't face him. He ignores Remus and throws himself into bed.


	177. Chapter 177

177\. December 11, 1976

He and Peter are the only Marauders in Arithmancy. On the way there, Peter asks, "is everything alright?"

"Fine," Sirius answers, as usual.

"You don't need to lie to me."

"I'm not lying."

"Sirius. I know how it is to have parents that...that don't act like they love you."

Peter barely ever talks about his father, and Sirius understands how much Peter is putting himself out.

"It's fine," Sirius insists.

"Sirius—"

"I always knew they don't care about me. It's nothing new. It's not...it's not them."

Peter is silent.

"You know we love you, right, Pete?"

"Of course."


	178. Chapter 178

178\. December 30, 1976

Several of the Muggle-born students are on edge at the end of December, and Sirius finally asks Chris Arellano why. Arellano tries to smile but can't manage it. He looks sick.

"Another USSR missile test," he finally spits out.

Sirius doesn't really know what any of those words mean, but Arellano explains it in a few words, and Sirius understands a bit better.

It's strange. Wizards look down on Muggles so much. And yet, nuclear weapons...as Arellano describes them, they're so much worse than any magic. How can wizards not be afraid of Muggles if they have a weapon like that?


	179. Chapter 179

179\. January 4, 1977

He doesn't mean to see Regulus come home from break, but he happens to catch sight of him. (Are they really brothers anymore, now that Sirius has been disowned? Can a blood bond be broken?) Regulus is grinning as he speaks with a Slytherin friend. He has a cloak on that's not school-issued, and Sirius thinks that he recognizes it as one of Father's old cloaks. He feels a sudden, stupid burst of jealousy. He doesn't want what Regulus has.

After a moment, Sirius realizes that the painful thing is how happy Regulus looks.

 _I am an awful person._


	180. Chapter 180

180\. January 19, 1977

"Go out with me, Evans."

"Potter, if you keep speaking to me, I'll hex you so that your head becomes even bigger than it already is. Amazing feat, I know, but I can manage it."

James grins at her, and Sirius can't deny that he's attractive enough, but Lily Evans is gorgeous as well. "Of course you can manage it, you beautiful genius. That's why I like you so much, eh?"  
"Yes, and someone as intelligent as me knows far too much to go out with a blithering moron like you."

"Ah, but I'm _your_ blithering moron."


	181. Chapter 181

181\. January 27, 1977

During classes that day, white stuff begins falling, and when class ends he and James drag Remus and Peter outside. It was a wet winter, a warmish one with mostly rain, and Sirius is excited to see the snow finally come out. It's freezing outside, and Sirius doesn't particularly like getting wet snow put down his shirt, but somehow when Remus does it it's fine.

He tackles Remus into the snow, and they roar with laughter as they wrestle with each other. But it's only a moment before Sirius goes red and backs away.

"Sorry."

"Sirius?"

Sirius doesn't reply.


	182. Chapter 182

182\. February 2, 1977

Sirius sets the clocks in the dormitory two hours ahead and eagerly waits for everyone to be woken up for too early. The other boys in the dormitory awake with groans and then realize what's happened.

James glares at him. "What the bloody hell?"

"Happy Fool's Day."

"You took the prankster persona too far," Peter snaps.

"That's in April, you idiot!" James exclaims.

Sirius stares at him in disbelief. "Wait, really?"

"Yes!"

"Oh. My mistake."

Sirius spends the morning trying to make reparations with everyone.

For some reason, everyone is angry with him for the rest of the week.


	183. Chapter 183

183\. February 14, 1977

Sirius genuinely loses count of the girls that confess to him or give him chocolates and flowers that day. He feels a bit bad about how little he cares about all of it, but then again, it's really all their faults for falling for him when he's clearly such a bad person. He basks in the attention, he loves the pleasure he gets, but honestly, what are those girls _thinking?_

He accepts the gifts and thanks them with a rakish smile and he refuses to make fun of them because he's the only truly disgusting person at Hogwarts.


	184. Chapter 184

184\. March 11, 1977

He walks back from dinner alone with Remus, and what once would have been a comfortable stroll with no need for speaking has stretched into one painful, awkward silence. Sirius's mind is desperately grasping at straws of what to say so that he sounds smart and interesting and he fears that Remus will realize how wrong everything is. But what to say? How to cover everything up? How is Sirius supposed to deal with these—these _feelings?!_

Remus would be disgusted, that's the only reaction, he'd hate Sirius' skewed attentions and Sirius can't let that happen.


	185. Chapter 185

185\. April 9, 1977

"Someone want to explain why Snivellus is skulking around?" James asks as they walk to their dormitory.

"He's always skulking," Peter says.

"He's skulking more than usual," clarifies James, looking around, paranoid.

"Probably just a Death Eater thing," Sirius says scathingly. "You know how he is, the little freak. Maybe he's trying to be a spy for You-Know-Who."

James laughs appreciatively, and Remus doesn't put anything in, his face just slightly gray. "Should we be—nicer? I don't know."

"There's that Prefect outlook," James laughs.

Sirius can't find a good answer. He regrets what nearly happened with Snape. But not as much as he should.


	186. Chapter 186

186\. April 20, 1977

Sirius realizes that he and Remus are alone in the dormitory and suddenly, the air feels heavier and his robes feel uncomfortably hot. He looks intently at his books, trying to force himself to forget that Remus is still in the room. He's being ridiculous, probably, but what if Remus can sense that something's _off_ about him?

"Sirius? Are you alright?" Remus has those beautiful eyes— _shut up_ —on him, filled with concern.

Sirius is struck speechless for a moment and then knows he has to get out. "Great Hall," he mutters, grabbing his book and practically running out of the room.


	187. Chapter 187

187\. May 1, 1977

Perhaps because he's popular or because he's known for being good company, the sixth year Ravenclaws invite Sirius to their pre-exam catharsis party. Too much firewhiskey, too little light.

They circle up and play a Muggle game where you have to tell the truth or complete a challenge. Sirius answers "dare" every time, taking swigs of Muggle brandy, letting a girl braid his hair, kissing whoever he's dared to. It's fun and every word spoken takes them a bit closer to the edge.

He is terrified of answering "truth" because whatever they ask, his answer will not be enough.


	188. Chapter 188

188\. May 15, 1977

Exams are surprisingly easy that year, although maybe they only seem that way after OWLs last year. Peter is in hysterics the whole week, though, and brings up the fact that NEWTs next year will be the hardest thing that they've ever faced.

"Relax," James tells Peter, "you won't even be taking that many NEWTs anyway."

They are all in silence, Sirius and Remus glaring at James, and Peter looking at the ground with a red face. James seems to realize what he's just said and immediately and profusely apologizes. Peter waves it off, calling it okay.


	189. Chapter 189

189\. May 25, 1977

"Is everything alright?" Remus asks him as they walk down the corridor of the train.

"Fine," Sirius promises.

"Are you sure? You've been acting...strangely for the last year."

"No, I'm fine. Just...just stress."

"If I did something wrong, you can tell me."

Sirius explodes with guilt and agony and laughs through it. "No. You didn't do anything wrong. You're the best friend I could have asked for." _If only you were less attractive and maybe less perfect, I'd be fine._

"That means a lot. I know I don't thank you enough, but—"

"Shut it," Sirius orders. "You don't need to."


	190. Chapter 190

190\. May 25, 1977

They haven't exactly discussed it, so it's immensely relieving when James practically drags him off of the train, and when Mr. and Mrs. Potter hug him and grin and him and ask him how his year was. He suddenly feels claustrophobic, smothered, almost as if he's being lied to. Are all parents like this? Are they supposed to be like this?

No matter how much they smile he can't make his body less tense. It's as if he's waiting for an attack. He suddenly becomes afraid of spotting his own parents, and bitterness fills him.

He _hates_ them.


	191. Chapter 191

191\. May 25, 1977

Sirius has a new room at the Potter home in Godric's Hollow. The walls are painted pale yellow with red trim, bare save a picture of the Marauders, all four of them grinning, Hogwarts in the background. There is a bookshelf filled with several schoolbooks. The bed is large and looks comfortable. For a moment he thinks of his room at Grimmauld Place, filled with Muggle memorabilia that his parents can never destroy.

He turns to the Potters and tries not to cry. They're grinning at him and for the first time, Sirius realizes that they don't expect anything from him.

"Thank you," he chokes out.


	192. Chapter 192

192\. June 3, 1977

Living with the Potters feels like a dream. He and James spend the long days together, talking and laughing. James helps him decorate his room, but somehow knows the right times to leave him alone. Mrs. Potter hugs him before leaving for work, and Mr. Potter enjoys giving bad puns and appreciates it when Sirius roars with laughter at them. They somehow embarrass James, and enjoy how Sirius doesn't get bashful when they show affection.

It feels like a family. It's the family that Sirius has always wanted. It's the family that everyone deserves to have.


	193. Chapter 193

193\. June 14, 1977

It occurs to Sirius that he'd never be able to give a child—his child, specifically—a life like the one he has with the Potters. He shares his thoughts with James.

"You'd be a fine father," James objects.

"I wouldn't know the first thing about...about anything."

"No one does, the point is that you learn it."

"Would you want kids?"

"Yeah," James says, going a bit red, "not that I think about it often."

"Sounds like a lie."

James snorts. "We're seventeen. It'll be a while."

"Alright, true."

"Well, if you're not a parent, you can be a cool uncle."

Sirius pictures that. " _Yes._ "


	194. Chapter 194

194\. June 20, 1977

"Muggle killing in Liverpool," Mr. Potter reports that morning.

Sirius shudders, suddenly feeling guilt, as if it's _his_ fault just because his parents are the people that revel in such news. "How many? Do the authorities know?"

"Two. Reported as a gas leak, but that's hardly convincing when the bloody _Dark Mark_ was over their home—"

"Awful!" Mrs. Potter exclaims, cutting him off. "And not the discussion for breakfast!"  
Mr. Potter shrugs, frowning, and Sirius has to agree with him. This can't simply be left for the authorites. They should all be discussing it—it's sort of their faults, since they're the ones with magic. Shouldn't they be doing something?


	195. Chapter 195

195\. June 28, 1977

Peter comes to stay with them for the rest of the summer, a grin spread across his youthful face. He and James stay in a hug for about twenty minutes, which Sirius spends reading a book.

"We get it," Peter scoffs, "you're cooler than the rest of us."

"You're only now figuring that out, Pete?" Sirius says. "Merlin, something must not be right in your brain!"  
"I'm sorry, I was just under the impression that you were a loser up until now. Now I see how wrong I was."

Sirius laughs and ruffles his hair.

Remus is the only missing part.


	196. Chapter 196

196\. July 4, 1977

"I just wish I could _do_ something," Sirius admits.

"Order of the Phoenix," James says. "They're the main force fighting You-Know-Who."

They're silent as the one American wizard in Godric's sprints down the street wearing only a flag.

"I'd love to join," Peter sighs. "But my mum doesn't want me to. She's scared."

"She's right to be," Sirius says. "But that doesn't make it any worse of a job. Just makes it more honorable, right?"

James's grin is utterly Gryffindor. "Exactly. You don't know who you are until you've faced death. And there's nothing better to do with your life than fight evil."


	197. Chapter 197

197\. July 24, 1977

The dragon upside-down cake they make for Mr. and Mrs. Potter's anniversary is an utter failure, the fondant dragon stomping off of the cake and into the parlor and nearly burning the house down, but Mr. and Mrs. Potter love it anyway. They treat all three boys like sons and suddenly, Sirius realizes that as much as they love James, they wanted more.

They smile at each other and it's tender and passionate in unison. They are utterly in love. Content. Sirius realizes that he wants something like they have.

(Stupidly, he thinks of Remus.)


	198. Chapter 198

198\. August 1, 1977

They go into Exeter for the day, and Sirius ends up at a Muggle library. The pictures are still, the patrons are sweaty and silent. He ends up sitting in the Science Fiction section the entire day, reading Orwell and Huxley and Bradbury. He thinks it's brilliant, engaging and terrifying and just fun to read.

Mr. Potter finds him and Sirius waits to be berated for reading it— _Muggle shite, right?_ —but he just smiles and nods.

"Do you know, I love dystopia?"

He continues and Sirius can barely understand him, but he comprehends the basic points, and he wants to know more.


	199. Chapter 199

199\. August 25, 1977

A few days before Hogwarts starts, Mr. Potter says, "we're happy to have you."

Sirius goes bright red, and he begins to stutter.

"Don't worry," Mr. Potter says. "You think you're a burden, but you're not, we're glad to have you here. We have enough, we're able to support you and whoever else James brings in, and we _want_ to. You're a good man, Sirius Black, don't forget that. Besides...well, it's good for James to have a brother. You bring out the best in him."

Maybe it's bad, maybe it's gay-like, but Sirius sobs in happiness that night and he doesn't care.


	200. Chapter 200

200\. September 1, 1977

It's so good to see Remus again, ratty clothes and huge smiles, and Sirius doesn't let himself wonder about the nature of their relationship, choosing to focus on how nice it is to spend time with Remus. The Sorting Hat's song is awful and Sirius cheers louder than anyone in his vicinity, making several people look at him strangely. The food tastes like home, the chatter is familiar and familial, the first-years and terrified and Nearly-Headless Nick is fatherly. The Marauders are all together once again and despite everything going on, Sirius feels hope for the coming year.


	201. Chapter 201

201\. September 3, 1977

"Kettleburn has a sadistic sense of humor," Remus reports. "He paired up James and Lily Evans for their project."

They share a look of horror as James joins them, grinning.

"Don't be creepy," Sirius warns him.

"I won't!" James exclaims. "I need this grade to be good! I won't jeopardize the project!"  
"That seems surprisingly mature," Sirius says.

"Oh, come on! I can flirt with her plenty when we're not working together! This year—I can feel it."

"You're insane," Remus and Sirius say in unison.

"And _you're_ not good friends."

They both exclaim in fake horror and James recants. "But just you watch."


	202. Chapter 202

202\. September 10, 1977

McGonagall is clearly trying to make them panic about NEWTs. Her face is more severe than usual, if that's possible, and her words are icy and almost frantic. She's doing a good job of pretending that she's worried about them failing. James is joking as usual, Peter panicked, and Remus and Sirius pay attention without really meaning to. Sirius can't stop thinking about what happens if he fails. It means his parents were right. It means that he's useless. _Regulus_ would never fail, of course, he's the Pureblooded Slytherin, but Sirius has no such insurance. He can't prove his parents right.


	203. Chapter 203

203\. September 19, 1977

Remus is watching Noranda Emori like a hawk. James and Peter laugh over it, and are then supportive, and Sirius follows their example and hopes that he's not doing something that tells Remus just how uncomfortable it makes him feel. He's happy for Remus, really.

Sirius sneaks out of the dormitory that night and meets up with Ellen McAdams in the great hall. They sneak onto the grounds and talk by the lake and he's the one to start kissing her. He desperately searches for a spark somewhere within himself. But he can't find it.

He feels broken.


	204. Chapter 204

204\. September 17, 1977

James stays up all night to finish the project. When he comes back in the morning, his eyes have dark circles underneath them and he nearly falls asleep at breakfast. But when Lily Evans passes them that morning, she doesn't glare at them like she usually does, like Sirius expects. She nods at James, in fact, as if they're simply distant acquaintances.

"You weren't creepy," Remus marvels. "Who are you, and what have you done with James Potter?"

Peter laughs. "That project must have been pretty good."

"She's hiding her hate pretty well," Sirius puts in.

James doesn't answer. He's asleep.


	205. Chapter 205

205\. September 25, 1977

They discuss Animagi in Transfiguration, as a side note. James, Sirius, and Remus (Peter didn't make it to OWL level) can barely keep from laughing.

"Name three qualities of an Animagus," James scoffs. "It's got uncontrollable hair. It's wearing Gryffindor robes. It loves pumpkin pasties."

"Don't insult my hair," Sirius says.

"Your hair _is_ glorious," Remus agrees, making Sirius's heart leap into a pulse that can't be healthy.

A couple of Ravenclaws next to them are giving them strange glances and Sirius remembers that they're supposed to be keeping a secret. He begins writing his homework on Animagi. It's going to be long.


	206. Chapter 206

206\. October 3, 1977 **?**

Remus's face is grey, his shoulders curled. Sirius can see the outline of his spine through his clingy shirt.

"You alright, mate?"

Remus shrugs, wincing. "Yeah. Just…"

Sirius lets him trail off, sitting down behind him and massaging Remus's knotted shoulders to the best of his ability. He's pretty sure he's awful at it, but he sees Remus close his eyes, ash-colored lashes touching his thin cheeks. Remus's heartbeat slows down. Sirius's speeds up.

"That good?" Sirius asks.

"Yeah. Thanks."  
The room is too quiet, too comfortable, too full of contentment. All of those feelings must be lies.


	207. Chapter 207

207\. October 15, 1977

It's not a surprise to Sirius, but it seems to be to everyone else at the school, when James and Carina Edwards show up at breakfast holding hands. They kiss, and Carina goes to the Hufflepuff table.

Later, Peter and Remus interrogate him. "What about Evans?"

James shrugs. "I was mad. She doesn't like me. I don't know why I had trouble accepting that." He laughs. "I need to apologize to her."

Peter and Remus go into a rant about James being Polyjuiced or Imperiused or way too mature, but Sirius has just one question. "What took you so long?"

"I...don't know."


	208. Chapter 208

208\. October 31, 1977

When everyone else is feasting, every Gryffindor 7th-year is studying for NEWTs. It's quiet, a spirit of camraderie and competitiveness running through the room. Evans and James aren't far from each other, ignoring the other. Sirius doesn't have time to think about it. All he can think about is his classes, how little he really knows—and Remus, next to him.

What is Remus thinking? He likes girls, right? Does he know about Sirius? Does he, would he, find it disgusting? How unconditional is their friendship, and is friendship love? And why is Sirius thinking about this when he has so many bigger problems?

 **Guess who's going on yet another hiatus? Me! Sorry about that, but in two weeks I'll be back.**


	209. Chapter 209

209\. November 7, 1977

Evans is watching James and Carina, Sirius notes. Her eyebrows are furrowed. Sirius wants to snap at her— _you had your chance, he's happy, so stay away_ —but she'd probably hex him. He wonders what she's thinking. Is it hate? Actual jealousy? (Jealous of James? Maybe she's _that_ way.) Maybe she's just surprised. Everyone is, really. She must feel ignored.

Anyway, they're not friends, they never will be, so that's not Sirius's problem. Let her have her emotions. Sirius doesn't want to understand them.

It suddenly seems odd that after all this time, Sirius has never thought of James like Remus. They really are brothers.


	210. Chapter 210

210\. November 25, 1977

Shakily, Sirius takes another swig of Firewhiskey. "Pace yourself," Peter warns.

"Ha—you've only drunk a glass."

"At least I'm not batted."

Peter is right, of course. But they're alone, just the two of them, so Sirius can do whatever he wants and be safe. "I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life," Sirius singsongs, feeling warm and open.

Peter watches him, and shrugs. "Who does?"  
"Evans."

Peter laughs. " _I_ don't."

"Of course not—why would you? What could you even do for a job?"

Peter's face flickers, and he laughs. "You're right. I don't know why I try."


	211. Chapter 211

211\. December 3, 1977

The entire Great Hall falls silent at the same moment and then there are screams, whispers, panic. McGonagall stands, but Dumbledore motions her down and then rises himself, and everyone goes silent again.

"As it would seem you all know, a state of emergency has been declared in the war against Voldemort." The room flinches, Sirius included. He spots Regulus, who looks calm. _Damn Slytherins._ "I assure you, you are all safe. Hogwarts is the safest place to be. Safety measures will be improved, of course, but there will be no attacks here. Your education will continue as normal."


	212. Chapter 212

212\. December 3, 1977

James's eyes blaze. "That's it. We have to join."

Emmeline Vance shakes her head. "You're mad. We're seventeen, Potter—that's far too young. We couldn't _do_ anything."

Lily's red hair twists as she does. "Why not? We're young, talented, _dedicated_ —what's stopping us from doing the right thing for the world? We have the power to make a difference. It's irresponsible not to use it."

"Exactly!" James exclaims. "This is _war._ You saw the news. War means _fighting,_ sacrifice—and it's our duty, as the _brave of heart."_

Suddenly it's Evans and James against several others. They don't work together, but they are united.


	213. Chapter 213

213\. December 10, 1977

"Sirius."

"Ellen."

Ellen holds his gaze until the corridor is clear and the bell has rung. Sirius is almost afraid to leave.

"We need to talk."

"Ellen, is everything—"

"I'm—I _was_ —pregnant."

The world briefly goes dark, but Sirius gets ahold of himself, leaning against the wall. He feels dizzy. He can't _handle_ a kid—he's an _idiot,_ what the _fuck_ was he thinking—"Are you alright—you _were_ —"

"I—took care of it." Ellen is glaring at him, or maybe she's crying. "It doesn't matter. I thought you should know."

"Ellen—I'm sorry—"

"Save it."

She walks away.


	214. Chapter 214

214\. December 20, 1977

"We broke up."

James looks pained, confused.

"Are you alright?" Remus asks.

James shrugs. "Yeah. It just wasn't right."

He walks away. Remus turns to Sirius. "He's not alright."

"I know. But what are we supposed to do? He doesn't want to talk about it. I swear, if it's _Evans_ —"

"At what point do we let James ruin his own life?" Remus muses.

"Never," Sirius says. "We're his _friends._ "

"And if he's in love?" Remus snorts. "Shouldn't we let him deal with that on his own? Isn't it his job to learn from his mistakes as he makes them?"


	215. Chapter 215

215\. January 5, 1978

James turned down Hogsmeade for them, but he doesn't tell them that it was for _Evans_ until he gets back that evening.

"She _agreed_ to go out with you?!" Sirius shouts, excited.

"As friends! But we got to talking! And she said that I'm not as awful as I was!"

Sirius and James do a bit of dancing, but Remus interrupts them. "James, I love you, but don't get your hopes up."

"I'm not!"

"You definitely are," Peter says as Sirius dips James.

"Well, so what if I am? She said I'm not awful! We went on a not-date!"

"Merlin's beard," Remus mutters.


	216. Chapter 216

216\. January 13, 1978

James is gossiping about Lily and what they did today after dinner like a little girl. "I really think that I'm growing on her, you know? She doesn't even insult me or yell at me anymore. I guess that when I take the initiative not to act like a moron, she responds well. Merlin's pants, I don't know why I was so awful for so long! Why didn't any of you stop me?!"

After a few moments, Remus says, "oh, that wasn't a rhetorical question."

"Of course not, mate!"

Remus looks like he wants to laugh. "You're hard to stop."


	217. Chapter 217

217\. January 26, 1978

James and Lily show up at the Great Hall together during lunch. Standing at least a foot apart, but still undeniably together. They're talking about something and every seventh year in the room turns to stare at them in all of their not-fighting glory.

"You know, I never thought he could do it," Remus mutters, "he talked about her for _years_ and Goddammit, I guess that persistence works?!"  
"I always knew this'd happen if she just gave him a chance," Peter says, serene.

"Well, good for him," Sirius says. "I'm happy. I just hope she doesn't hurt him."


	218. Chapter 218

218\. February 15, 1978

They're never going to discuss that Valentine's Day because it was too sappy and beautiful. Lily and James are honestly disgusting in how well they click together. Sirius watches them and wonders when he'll be that happy, and returns to his traditional outlet of meaningless sex.

This time, it's not a girl that he kisses, but Oscar Goodman of Ravenclaw. It's completely different and confusing, uncharted terrain, but it still feels good. It doesn't go beyond shirtless kissing, but Sirius wouldn't mind if it did.

How can it feel good with both genders? What the hell does any of this mean?!


	219. Chapter 219

219\. March 2, 1978

Snivellus looks more greasy and sallow every time Sirius sees him. He's creepily watching Lily and James and Sirius is definitely getting bad feelings from it. Honestly, Snape is like a blood purity obsessed, uglier, less mature and more stalker-y James. _Thank Merlin James knows how to grow up._ Even Sirius doesn't have as much irrational hate for Snape any more.

Sirius supposes that he's finally becoming an adult. Funny, he thought it would entail falling in love, travelling the world, and getting a job that he likes. Not learning how to tolerate an utterly disgusting human being.


	220. Chapter 220

220\. April 23, 1978

Through the hailstorm of studying and James and Lily getting together, time flies, and NEWTs are upon them. Their written exams are first, tedious and nerve-wracking and still a lull before technical exams.

But as Sirius's name is called for DADA, he falls to his knees, the world spinning around him. He can't _breathe_ —what if he fails—he _can't_ —

McGonagall is suddenly next to him.

"Mr. Black. You need to get in there."

He wants to yell at her—what does _she_ know—

"I have utter faith in you," she tells him. "You have what it takes."

Suddenly, breathing is much easier.


	221. Chapter 221

221\. April 25, 1978

He's never been able to pull of a non-verbal shield charm in class or private study, so of course it's on the DADA practical.

He tries to call up the feelings of safety, of being able to protect himself and the people around him. He tries to call up confidence. He tries to tune out the rest of the room and focus on his task.

 _Protego._

The shield expands in front of him. Ecstatic, Sirius grins, holding the charm—

And then the charm drops and everything goes black.

When he's revived he knows with certainty he's a failure.


	222. Chapter 222

222\. April 27, 1978

For Charms, he levitates five tables and makes them dance around, then folds clothing and stacks it by color, then makes a set of tea pour itself using Romanian-style etiquette. Everything but his hand is shaking, which is acceptable to him. Sweat pours down his face as he is questioned and ordered around by the testers. Is Muggle school as stressful as this? Are Remus and James having as much trouble as he is? Is a possible future worth this stress?

When the last test is over, he collapses into bed and falls asleep before the covers are over him.


	223. Chapter 223

223\. April 20, 1978

There's a final meeting with the head of house. McGonagall regards him with those unfathomable teacher's eyes after moving through fifty boring questions.

"Where do you see yourself in twenty years?" she asks.

"Steady job, perhaps a family but probably not." Unbidden, he sees Remus. "Spending time with my friends." He imagines his parents finally dying. "Travel."

There's a long silence.

"Sirius, are you happy?"

 _Yes_ bubbles forward, but he looks at McGonagall and can't lie to her. He shrugs, thinking of endless horizons in front of him.

"I think I will be."

She nods at him. "You deserve it."


	224. Chapter 224

224\. May 3, 1978

James and Lily spend their last month at Hogwarts walking by the lake together. Peter sneaks to the kitchens and makes baked goods for their entire year. Remus is distant, or perhaps Sirius is just alienating him.

He's going to entire the real world soon enough. And that means having real relationships, as well as a job and home. Already, their year is pairing up. Sirius feels oceans away from that. He can only think of Remus when he thinks of a real life. And Ellen—a child that could have been his will never exist. That idea is strange.


	225. Chapter 225

225\. May 7, 1978

Lily has become a fifth component of their group, and Sirius is surprised at how little he minds her. When she's not insulting them, it turns out that she's funny and whip-smart. He likes her more than he thought he would, and everyone else does, as well. He supposes that she and James aren't awful for each other.

With her, though, things are different, and Sirius is forced to face the fact that they're adults now. The times are changing. The time for childish clubs is over, the time for war and courtship is beginning. And Sirius is being left behind.


	226. Chapter 226

226\. May 12, 1978

"You know, you've never had a girlfriend," Sirius informs Remus. "Even Peter has. But you haven't." He feels stupidly hopeful, and hates it.

"Yeah. I mean...I don't know. I never found time. And with my... _problem_ …"

"I get it," Sirius assures him.

"You've never been able to hold down a girl, now that I think about it."

"No one catches my interest for long enough."

"Jerk."

"You're only now realizing it? When you're already stuck with me?"

Remus laughs. "I'm glad you're here."

Sirius's heart is vibrating, that's how fast it's going. "Do you ever think about...never mind."


	227. Chapter 227

227\. May 20, 1978

"You want to talk about it?" James asks.

"Talk about what?" Sirius denies.

"You. And your romantic life."

"Not much to speak of there. Or rather, far too much. I'm too handsome for my own good."

"Sirius. You know what I mean."  
Sirius looks into James's eyes, disgusted and afraid. "I really don't, James. I appreciate you looking out for me. But sometimes, you read too far into things. I'm fine. I'll be fine."

"Sirius. You don't have to lie to me. Or yourself, I suppose—"

"James, back off."

"You deserve to be happy."

 _But he doesn't feel the same way!_


	228. Chapter 228

228\. June 1, 1978

They board the Express for the last time. Sirius opens the window and sticks half of his body out, watching the magnificent spires and grey stone grow tinier and tinier. It's no longer home. If he wants to learn more, he has to actually take initiative. He doesn't feel ready for the real world, especially with the war. He doesn't feel ready to stand on his own feet.

He's weak. That's the fact he has to face. Even though Peter is practically useless, _Sirius_ is the weak link.

 _Goodbye,_ he thinks to the castle. _Thank you. I couldn't have done this without you._


	229. Chapter 229

229\. June 4, 1978

James is already trying to convince them to join the Order of the Phoenix. Alice Longbottom and Frank Lorrigander already have, and Lily is on the verge.

"So? Of _course_ it's dangerous! But so is just _living_ nowadays! We need to help bring this war to a close as soon as possible."

"James," Peter says quietly, "there's a very real possibility that we could _die._ I know that danger is there wherever you are. But is throwing yourself into the jaws of it really the way to protect yourself?"

"Protect _yourself,_ Pete? What about the rest of the world?!"


	230. Chapter 230

230\. June 4, 1978

Peter looks upset and angry and James can't be reasoned with when he gets like this. Remus is the one that stands up.

"Pete, I don't agree with you. James, you're being unreasonable. It's a personal choice. And personally, I'm going to go join." He sighs. "I know that the wizarding world hates me just because of my... _furry little problem._ " He smirks at James. "And you three are the best damn friends I could've asked for and I can't take it if you die. But I'm not going to tell you what to do."

He walks out of the room.


	231. Chapter 231

231\. June 21, 1978

He runs into Lily after she's officially joined. She smiles at him (it's so strange to see her be friendly).

"Feeling like a hero yet?"

His voice is too bitter, and he knows it. Lily just nods. "Not quite. Even more cowardly, actually, if that's possible."

"You're not a coward. Gryffindor, aren't you?"

"You're so much more than your house."

Her tone is offhand. Sirius looks at her eyes and clearly sees that she understands what that phrase means to him.

"I suppose I should submit the paperwork," Sirius sighs, pretending to be put out.

"The Order will be glad to have you."


	232. Chapter 232

232\. June 24, 1978

 _More than your house._

Being Sorted to Gryffindor was _everything._ It destroyed Sirius's family. It made him brave, reckless, gave him the best friends he was going to have. It shaped his life. How can Sirius be _more_ than that?

Of _course_ being a Gryffindor doesn't equate to being a hero—that comes through actions, or whatever. But it makes heroism easier. It gives confidence, motivation.

Sirius thought that being a Gryffindor proved he was a good— _better_ —person. That was the promise.

But does proving himself never stop? Will anything he does be enough? When is he allowed to rest?


	233. Chapter 233

233\. June 30, 1978

The day that James and Lily get married is the best of all of their lives.

Everyone and everything is beautiful. Lily and James look so happy, and Sirius can't believe how far they've all come. Lily's parents are delightfully out of touch and really nice people. James's parents are overjoyed.

Sirius stands behind James and makes sure everything goes smoothly. His face hurts from all the smiling. He dances the third dance with Lily, and then with Euphemia and Mrs. Evans and even James.

He and Remus end up waltzing. Sirius wishes this could happen more often.


	234. Chapter 234

234\. July 15, 1978

There was no paperwork to submit, as it turns out, just some vows. Sirius took them without a second thought. He's got to dedicate his life to something. It might as well be this.  
He walks into his first Order meeting afterwards. The room is full to the brim of people, many of whom he recognizes from school, some famous people (Alastor Moody!), and some people that Sirius has never seen or heard of before. The room is full of chatter and warmth, confidence and dedication. They all work for a greater thing.

It convinces him that this wasn't a mistake.


	235. Chapter 235

235\. July 30, 1978

He runs into McGonagall at a meeting, and it's so strange to see her not as a professor. She smiles at him, though she pretends not to. "It's a pleasure to see you, Sirius. Though I must question your value of personal safety."

She's got to be one of the oldest people there, and Sirius wonders how she's still going. "With you around to protect us, how could I be afraid?"

She raises an eyebrow. "Your flattery is misguided. You'd be smarter to compliment a troll and hope that it acted as your personal bodyguard."

"I'll get on that, then."


	236. Chapter 236

236\. August 8, 1978

"I think we should share a flat," Remus says. "Hogsmeade, maybe. It's the only way we can afford something close to Order meetings."

Sirius has so many thoughts: _Do you have any idea what you do to me, That's a horrible idea, Marry me, Are you completely clueless, Yes, absolutely, your logic makes sense in every possible way, Let's run away because I can't take all of this responsibility, AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH._

What he does say: "Thanks, but I'm going to do some travelling before settling down. In a year, though."

Remus nods. "I look forward to it."

 _Merlin, Remus, how do I read you?!_


	237. Chapter 237

237\. August 17, 1978

He's sent on his very first mission: protect a Muggle family in Dundalk that keeps producing wizards and is being stalked by a Death Eater. He's given a bit of money by the Order and a place to stay with an Order member.

It's one of the furthest places he's travelled and he loves it. He sightsees for an hour before getting on his actual job.

The Death Eater is not very talented, and it takes only two days for Sirius to incapacitate him and side-along him back to Edinburgh. Sirius feels like a success, like he's doing something right.


	238. Chapter 238

238\. September 1, 1978

The Order creates a guard to fly about the Express as it moves to Hogwarts. Sirius scores a place on it, with plenty of older wizards. Lily does, too. The flight is freezing and harrowing and very boring. It's harder to fly over eight hours' worth of Great Britain than it is to take a train over it.

Sirius doesn't mind. Every kilometer is beautiful, that's undeniable, and he enjoys the feeling of protecting people. Some of his younger friends are on that train. Regulus is, too, though not in danger.

The thought makes Sirius irritated, bitter.


	239. Chapter 239

239\. September 1, 1978

Lily and Sirius stay in Hogsmeade for the night and drink far too much at the Leaky Cauldron. They stumble back to their rooms together and end up collapsed on the floor of Lily's room. She says something and they they're both hysterically laughing. They end up talking for a while.

"Tuney didn't come to my wedding," she finally babbles, "and I was barely in hers."

"You...miss her?" Sirius slurs.

Lily whips her head: no. Then she says, "yes. I miss her too much. I wanna be her baby sister again." She hiccups. "You hate your baby brother?"

"Only sometimes."


	240. Chapter 240

240\. October 10, 1978

Every day brings reports of new victories and successes against the Death Eaters. They're gaining momentum and members every day. It feels unstoppable, as if the war will soon be over.

The four Marauders turn up a pint that night in the bar. They've all been working for the Order for a month now, and it's rewarding even if they don't get paid very much.

"I like this," Peter says. "It's not the same as school, but I like it."

Sirius, for once, feels ready to face the world.

His parents would be angry with him, but for all of the right reasons.

* * *

 **I apologize for how sporadic these updates are. School is in full swing, and I'm getting back into the rhythm of things. It'll be more consistent later on, I promise.**


	241. Chapter 241

241\. November 3, 1978

He wakes up and leaves the room to see all of his friends and Mr. and Mrs. Potter outside of his room. "Happy birthday!" they chorus.

They treat him like a king, serving him good food and refusing to let him lift a finger. "First birthday outside of Hogwarts!" Mr. Potter titters. "That's the most important birthday a man can have!"

"Nineteen," Peter says. "You seem so much older. I suppose it's the hair."

Lily rolls her eyes. "Dear Merlin, the _hair…_ "

"You'd insult someone's hair on their birthday, Evans? I'm hurt!"

The day is full of laughter.


	242. Chapter 242

242\. November 21, 1978

Peter and James come back from the mission changed.

James is angry. "How _could_ they?! Torturing Muggles like that?! For no good reason! They're _monsters!_ "

Peter is terrified. "What they were doing—it was—Sirius, you can't understand just how _bad_ —" he leaves the room to vomit and returns. "Sirius, this world—it's a bad place."

"I couldn't _stop_ them," James moans, "I was _useless_ —"

"The _screams_ —they were so loud—"

Sirius sits with them until the medics arrive and give them Calming Draughts. He stays with them through the night, trying to calm them and knowing that he cannot understand what they've seen.


	243. Chapter 243

243\. December 2, 1978

"They want to send me to Austria," Remus mutters.

"You'd like that," James points out.

"They want to send me to Austria to _make contact with werewolves._ "

The other three sit in silence, unsure of how to respond. Sirius doesn't know whether to call it unfair and thoughtless or say that it's not a bad tactical move.

"How do you feel?" he finally asks.

"I'm _more_ than a werewolf," Remus says, his tone begging.

"Of course!" they all assure him.

But Sirius knows they can't deny that Remus's being is shaped by being a werewolf. How can they get around that?


	244. Chapter 244

244\. December 25, 1978

Sirius was sent to Norway to find some potion ingredients. He got the ingredients, and the foreign travel was great. He arrives back home on Christmas Eve, drops off the goods, and drops by the Potter house.

It's warm inside and smells like gingerbread. They welcome him in and hug him until he can't breathe. Lily is there and she at least acts excited to see him (it's so strange to think of her as James's wife). He drinks something warm and watches the fire burn as they tell stories.

It feels like—it _is_ —family.


	245. Chapter 245

245\. January 8, 1979

They start off the new year with a death.

Euphemia is devastated and James's grief seems endless. Sirius sheds quite a few tears himself. Fleamont was, for all purposes, his father. He was loving and kind and a good man in every way. He wasn't the youngest, of course—but wizards live so long, and he was healthy, and he had so many people that loved him that he's leaving behind. How is this fair?

Sirius is the one to arrange the funeral and it's a celebration of Fleamont's life as much as a burial. Euphemia hugs him and whispers, " _thank you."_


	246. Chapter 246

246\. January 15, 1979

James doubles down on being a good person, treating Lily and his mother like queens and smothering the Marauders and even some random people from the Order in affection. He visits hospitals and orphanages and soup kitchens in Muggle London. He sleeps maybe five hours a night.

"You're going to kill yourself, like this," Sirius finally says.

"I won't," James insists.

"When are you going to sleep?!"

"I'll rest when this war is over."

Sirius doesn't even know where to start to express how insane that idea is. "James, you need to rest."

James's eyes are blazing. "No. I'm sorry."


	247. Chapter 247

247\. February 1, 1979

Remus arrives back from visiting his parents. Sirius meets him at the station and they share a long hug that draws some annoyed looks from passers-by. Sirius minds, but Remus doesn't seem to, and that's the sweetest feeling in the world.

"How was it?"

"Horrible, but I'm not sure what I expected. How have you been doing?"

"Better, now that you're back."

Remus laughs. "You know, Sirius, I can never tell what you're thinking."

Panicked, Sirius salutes him. "That's what's best about me. I'm an enigma."

"I suppose you are. An enigma with great hair."

"You know me too well."


	248. Chapter 248

248\. February 18, 1979

None of them knew Coral Whitlock well. Still, she was in the Order, and her murder is incredibly sobering. She was only 23.

"I almost forgot," Remus says, disgusted. "That we're in a bloody _war._ That we can _die._ I feel so...invincible sometimes that I just bloody forget."

Sirius puts a hand on his back. "You're not alone there."

"I can't let myself forget again. What if it's James or Peter next time, Sirius? What if it's _you?_ I can't lose you."

"You won't lose me," Sirius promises softly.

Remus shakes his head. "How can you say that?"


	249. Chapter 249

249\. March 22, 1979

He's in Birmingham on a mission when it happens.

Across the street, he sees masked figures. _Death Eaters._ He moves towards them, but traffic chokes the street and it's like he's in a dream, in slow motion.

Then the angry firebomb goes off, green and blue and clearly magical, sending people flying through the air. The Death Eaters disappear. Sirius can't follow. He desperately tries to help tend to the wounded but his mission partner drags him off. They can't be seen.

Sirius is useless. All but an accessory to murder. Disgusting.

Why couldn't he have done more?!


	250. Chapter 250

250\. April 10, 1979

"James." Sirius rushes across the room. "How are you doing?"

James looks awful, dark circles under his eyes, his face thin. "Thanks for coming."

"Of course! James, I'm so sorry."

James holds onto his shoulder like a lifeline, and Sirius takes his hand and squeezes. They share pain for a moment, pain and grief. Sirius can't imagine how James feels, having lost both parents in just a few months.

"I'll kill him," James swears.

"I'll help you," Sirius says, doubting whether they'll keep the promise.

"You have to come by more. Please."

"Of course."

Together, they receive the other guests of the wake.


	251. Chapter 251

251\. June 23, 1979

Everyone under the age of 25 is sent into remedial training "for safety purposes." (Maybe Sturgis Podmore should be smarter when using Reductor Curses, the idiot.) Sirius gets the honor of fighting Mad-Eye Moody.

He's thoroughly trounced, of course, but nothing can match the feeling when Moody nods. "Not bad, Potter."

Sirius's heart suddenly feels as though it's expanding. Moody grimaces. "Don't expect me to be your second daddy. Wipe that stupid smile off your face!"

Sirius just opens his arms and wiggles his eyebrows. Moody spits on the ground and stalks off.

"I'll hug him eventually," Sirius jokes to James.


	252. Chapter 252

252\. July 31, 1979

"The Three Marauderteers," James jokes badly.

Remus isn't with them, and it feels wrong. Sirius just hopes that he's alright, though whatever he's doing to turn the werewolves isn't working, as they've begun to publicly support You-Know-Who.

"Wait for it," Peter mutters. The Death Eaters they're tracking have almost reached their position. Peter withdraws his wand, his fingers trembling, and James and Sirius follow.

But they halt when they hear a crash, and Sirius looks up, up, up, at where an ugly face hovers in the sky.

"Giants," he breathes.

They're bloody _dead._

"We have to warn everyone."


	253. Chapter 253

253\. September 2, 1979

Remus is finally back! When they spot each other at Headquarters, Remus charges him, grinning, more enthusiastic than Sirius has ever seen him before. Roaring with laughter and relief, Sirius tracks him down."Mate!"

"Mate!"

There's something _off_ about Remus's grin. Sirius thinks it's a bit feral. A bit too wide. He suddenly becomes conscious of Remus's scraggly hair and beard and dirty nails.

 _No._ He won't let this poison his thinking. "Mate, how've you been?"

Remus squeezes his shoulder. "I've got a lot to tell you."

His heart flutters. They could die any day. Yet Sirius can't spit it out.


	254. Chapter 254

254\. September 7, 1979

He dreams of dark halls and green and silver. He dreams of portraits and withered elves. He sees Mother, Father. He sees Regulus. He knows these floors and lights. He sees the room of his childhood, torn apart.

He wakes up to his own room, and the sound of Remus's loud snores through the thin wall. He's warm and as safe as you can get nowadays. There's red banners, magazine covers with pretty girls. Old habits die hard.

He's found a home, or as close to it as you can get. This will have to be enough.

If only Remus wasn't leaving again tomorrow.


	255. Chapter 255

255\. November 11, 1979

"Get back here!"

Sirius forces himself to sprint faster, hurtling a log and chasing the Death Eater through the woods. This man will _not_ escape.

"Stupefy! _Stupefy!_ " The jets of light fly harmlessly above the man's head. _Stupefy! Petrificus Totalus! Reducto!_

Sirius hears a scream and watches as a tree explodes, the shrapnel knocking a figure over. Sirius is upon him in a few strides, tearing off the mask and grabbing the man's collar. "You'reunderarrestinthenameoftheMinistry—" he shouts—

"Imper—"

"No!" _Stupefy!_

The man collapses and Sirius is left breathing hard in the woods, terrified. _I need to get back. C'mon, Sirius. Move._

 ** _To avoid spamming everyone, I'll be posting five a day until I'm back on schedule._**


	256. Chapter 256

256\. November 12, 1979

Peter sleeps over and makes pancakes in the morning at Sirius's request. He feels like a stupid child but Peter doesn't say anything, just smiling and treating him normally.

"You're braver than me," he eventually says.

"Don't be stupid, Pete," Sirius lies.

"That's what I am. Stupid."

"No!" Sirius scrambles for the words. "You're the best of us. How many times do you meet a nice person in this world?"

"What does nice matter? We all die in the end." Peter quickly changes the subject. "You were almost Imperiused?"

"Yeah." Sirius shudders.

"I can't imagine," Peter winces. "That must be awful."


	257. Chapter 257

257\. December 13, 1979

Marlene and him wait together outside of Dumbledore's office. Sirius's name is called first and he smirks at her. She flips him off.

"What did you want to see me for, Headmaster?" he asks.

"No need to call me Headmaster," Dumbledore says. "Sirius, I have some bad news."

He thinks of James, Remus, Peter—

"Your father is dead," Dumbledore informs him, pity in his eyes.

Sirius is frozen for a moment. _Father is dead._

He feels nothing.

What is he supposed to feel? He's a horrible person, isn't he? But how can he grieve someone as evil as Father?


	258. Chapter 258

258\. December 13, 1979

He sits in the waiting room, alone. _What am I supposed to feel? Tell me!_ He's there until Marlene exits, stone-faced, her eyes cold and gaunt. He looks at her and she stares back at him and he can tell that she's going to cry.

For some reason she collapses into his arms and for some reason he catches her and then her lips attack his throat, kissing him through the tears, and he lifts her chin and kisses her back. They're young and desperate and heartbroken and confused and there's no better way to go about life than like this: pained and regretful and strong.


	259. Chapter 259

259\. December 14, 1979

He wakes up in Marlene's apartment. He's not sorry.

He brushes some hair off of her cheek and she jerks away, narrowly stopping herself from punching him. "Black."

"McKinnon."

"This was a mistake."

He's stung but unsurprised. "I know."

She regards him. "Will you tell anyone?"

"No."

"Thanks."

"It's okay for it to hurt," he assures her.

She shrugs. "Not with this one."

"Yeah."

She takes his hand. She's warm and close and comforting.

"Is it Remus?" she asks.

She's always been clairvoyant. He shrugs.

She nods like she understands.

"The end is soon," she says.

"I know," he agrees.


	260. Chapter 260

260\. December 30, 1979

"Remus!"

The shout tears out of him and Remus turns, dirty and thin, and sprints at him. He grabs Sirius's shoulders. "Sirius."

"You're alright!"

"They don't know I'm a spy yet."

Sirius stares into Remus's eyes and knows that they're both burdened with the Order's secrets. For the first time, there's distrust in Remus's eyes. They're hardened by this damn war. Sirius just hopes that Remus can't see the fear in his mind. _Werewolf._

"Sirius," Remus repeats, and it's just the two of them—

"Can I trust you?"

"Always," Sirius breathes.

Remus loosens his hand and Sirius knows that he isn't believed.


	261. Chapter 261

261\. January 11, 1980

"Glad you were available," Sirius tells James.

"Lils wanted me out of the house," James snorts.

"You're pretty unbearable, yes."

James grins. "And how've you been?"

"Do you really want to know?"

"Yes. I miss our talks."

"We talked yesterday."

"I miss living with you. You should move in. You're still family."

"Evans wouldn't want it."

"We've been talking about kids. You fit the bill."

"Ass."

James laughs.

"So how likely is it? Kids. You've gotta name one Sirius, understood?"

"If it's a girl?"

"You'll have more."

"What if it's only this one?"

"Still Sirius."

"Siria."

"Absolutely not."

"It'll be Siria."


	262. Chapter 262

262\. January 12, 1980

James's head appears in the fire. "Guess who's going to be a godfather!"

Sirius drops his fork. " _What?!_ "

"Accept!"

"Yes! Wha—no! I can't be a godfather! Can you imagine how awful I'd be?"

"Yes! Now accept before Lily realizes too!"

"I'm still reeling over the fact that you actually had...ahem... _relations!_ "  
"Shut up and accept!"

It's difficult not to throw himself into the fire and hug everyone. "Of course! I'd be honored! Now tell her I accepted before she doesn't let me!"

James disappears and Sirius collapses into a chair.

 _A kid._ Despite everything, new life can come to this world.

The sun seems suddenly brighter.


	263. Chapter 263

263\. January 13, 1979

Everyone groans when Sirius is announced as godparent except for James and Lily.

"So you were in on it?" he asks her.

"I don't think there's a more dedicated person." She's not insulting or sarcastic and he's actually struck speechless.

"Blimey, Evans, I didn't know you liked me so much!"

"Oh, hush. If you weren't so self-obsessed you'd see that I don't particularly care about you either way. You're not a bad person."

"I'm not self-obsessed! Look at who you married!"

They glance at James, who is running his hands through his hair. Evans sighs. "I suppose you're not wrong."


	264. Chapter 264

264\. February 20, 1980

James appears in the fire again. "Can we talk?"

"Always."

"Have you heard about this prophecy thing?"

"Only rumors."

James looks pale.

"James. What's wrong?"

"It's just...it sounds like…"

"How many of the rumors are _true_?"

"Too many. Sirius, I'm scared. For Lily. For the baby. For _you_ and Peter and Remus—"

"Not for yourself? Oh, James…look, you've got Dumbledore and the Order! We're not going to let you—"

 _Die,_ Sirius thinks, horror filling him. They're in danger. What if James dies? What if they lose this war? What is the fate of James's child? What if, what if…


	265. Chapter 265

265\. March 1, 1980

He's on a mission and its dark and he somehow loses his wand—

"Don't kill him," a voice says.

 _Kill me, kill me_ —where's his wand—

A beautiful woman bends next to him—Bellatrix, maybe—

"Sirius," she croons. "I always knew you were strong. Stupidly loyal, but strong."

 _My wand_ —

"You can join us, you know. We'd want you. Your side is doomed, Sirius...I don't want you dead…"

He spits in her face. His wand is an inch away and he reaches for it—

She screams and his body is filled with pain but then he has his wand and shoots a curse and is alone again.


	266. Chapter 266

266\. March 5, 1980

Perhaps because of that, he's glad when James and Lily announce they're going into hiding along with the Longbottoms. Afraid for them, guilty and sorry for the fear in their eyes, worried about the future, but relieved all the same. James and Lily and Potter Jr. have got to be safe. He needs them to be safe.

He wishes he could make everyone safe, Remus away from werewolves and wizards and Peter somewhere where he's not tortured by screams and memories.

And himself. He'd keep himself right here, because here, people still need him.


	267. Chapter 267

267\. March 10, 1980

"Thanks for joining us, Mr. Black," Dumbledore says. "We think that you can aid us. We need a Secret Keeper. Are you aware of what that is?"

"Of course."

Lily and James grin at him.

"I'm honored that you'd ask, but...are you sure?"

"Who better?" James asks.

Sirius raises his eyebrows. "I'm already a target. What if they find out? They'd be able to find me. And what if—"

"Would you ever give us up?"

"No, but—"

"Would you ever join them?"

"No, but—"

"So who better?"

"This is crazy! Do you really trust me?"


	268. Chapter 268

268\. March 10, 1980

Lily lays a hand on James's arm. "Stop. He doesn't have to if he doesn't want to. But Sirius, who else do you think would work? We've considered Remus and Peter, but—"

"Peter. He'd be perfect."

James looks surprised. "We love him, Sirius, but is he really…"

"No one would suspect him. And he's good at getting out of scrapes. And he'd love to do it."

James looks thoughtful. "It _does_ make sense. He'd never give us up."

Dumbledore is unreadable, but Lily is nodding. "I understand it. We need to discuss, but…"

Sirius knows that there's not much to talk about.


	269. Chapter 269

269\. June 11, 1980

Lily is getting pretty big and incredibly cabin fevered and looks surprisingly happy when she visits. He ignores the look on her face and bends down to whisper hello to Sirius Jr.

"It's not going to be Sirius."

"Liar. Have you talked with Peter?"

"Yes. He was scared. Excited, but scared. Happy, I suppose. He started stuttering. I thought he'd drop his tea. And don't change the subject."

"Happy, excited, and scared. Sounds about right for him."

"Sirius, do you…"

Her eyes are unsure.

"You can trust him," Sirius promises. "I swear on my life."

She nods, smiling. "Alright, then."


	270. Chapter 270

270\. August 1, 1980

For a baby that's apparently the Antichrist, Not-Sirius Potter is very small and fragile. His eyelids are so thin that Sirius worries they'll tear. He's already got a bit of dark hair and Sirius thinks he'll take after James.

"Harry?" Sirius asks, offended. "Why Harry?"

He doesn't listen to the response because he's getting a lump in his throat.

Babies are...actually as loveable as people say they are. How annoying.

 _Harry Potter._ Sirius will keep this child safe. No matter what.

He reaches out to touch Harry's hand and doesn't hear James saying he and Lily are going into deep hiding.


	271. Chapter 271

271\. November 28, 1980

He can't visit the Potters without Peter being there, and it grates on his nerves. And Remus barely leaves the werewolves nowadays, trying desperately to seal off a dam that broke open long ago.

That picture they took doesn't mean anything. They looked happy, hopeful. But the Prewetts and Boneses and McKinnons are dead. Caradoc and Benjy and Dorcas, gone. There is no one he can trust.

The Order is too young. They are untrained and reckless and it feels like there's nothing they can do to turn the tide.

And Sirius knows, like they all do, that there's a spy.


	272. Chapter 272

272\. April 12, 1981

"Riyis!"  
Harry toddles up to him, and Sirius picks up the baby, who pounds to be let down.

"He can walk," James explains as Harry falls to the ground and then pulls himself back up using the wall, only to fall again.

"I see."

They slowly follow Harry down the hall, talking about everything and nothing. James looks pale. He tries to keep up a smile, but eventually lets it drop.

"I don't know how much longer this can go on," James confides.

 _The end is coming._ Marlene is dead. Sirius wonders when he'll join her.

But Harry is alive.


	273. Chapter 273

273\. July 31, 1981

He's received letters through Peter for the last few months and now he's finally visiting again. He gives Harry a toy broomstick and buries James and Lily in hugs. Remus gives them a cat and Sirius smiles at him through the haze of distrust and misplaced, unforgotten feelings.

James and Lily are clearly afraid but they seem to have missed the brunt of the war. They haven't seen everything that the rest of them have. Being special targets of You-Know-Who has exempted them from fighting.

Somehow, Sirius isn't bitter.

He just wants them to be safe. Safe and happy.


	274. Chapter 274

274\. October 31, 1981

"Peter?"

Peter isn't home. Sirius panics. "Peter!" _He's dead, he's been tortured_ —but there's no signs of a struggle—

 _No._

He jumps on the motorbike and rides as fast as he can. _Peter didn't run_ — _he would've told us_ — _but where is he, this isn't like him_ — _and what if_ —

No. Peter is a lot of things, but not a traitor. He sends his Patronus into the night with the news that Peter is gone without a fight and he's going to check on the Potters.

He pushes the bike to its limits and arrives only to find a house that has already been destroyed.


	275. Chapter 275

275\. October 31, 1981

The house is already collapsed in and _he's too late, he's too late,_ the Potters are gone forever, gone, _gone,_ He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has _won,_ they're _dead_ —

But he needs to _see,_ so he rushes in and _James, James,_ is dead on the floor—

His best friend forever, glasses shattered on the floor away from him, no smile on his face (there's supposed to be a smile), fear, desperation instead in his blank brown eyes—he had a _son, one-true-love_ , he had a _life_ —

"James," Sirius sobs, because it's all his _fault,_ he was supposed to keep them _safe,_ but _James_ is dead—

* * *

 **It's been literally forever, and I'm sorry about that. I know how important it is for someone to stick to the schedule they promised, and I apologize that I haven't delivered.**

 **I'm not back, per se, but I do have some chapters that haven't been posted yet and I'll post those over the next few weeks. The rest will come as I get time to write it. I'm sorry that I've been such an unreliable author. Hopefully you still enjoy the drabbles.**


	276. Chapter 276

276\. October 31, 1981

But where the hell are Lily and Harry—he rushes upstairs because the only thought that is worse than being killed by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is being stolen away by him—let her be safe, let her be _dead_ —but Harry, he can't be dead, that spells doom—

 _Lily._ Lily is on the ground, unbreathing—

But something in the cradle—

 _Harry._ Harry is alive—

Dumbledore said to go to Harry's aunt Petunia. Lily's sister, the one that hated her. Sirius can't do that, he can't let Harry go, he has to raise the child and protect him and make him happy—

But Dumbledore said.


	277. Chapter 277

277\. October 31, 1981

Sirius has to follow Dumbledore's edict.

No matter how much it hurts. No matter how much he distrusts the decision. He trusts Dumbledore, he knows that Dumbledore only wants to defeat He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, he knows Dumbledore would never betray the cause. Harry's safety is paramount. And Sirius has revenge to take.

The child is bleeding from the forehead. Sirius reaches to stop the blood, realizes his hand is filthy, looks around for something to stop the blood with. _I swore I'd take care of him, James, I won't break that promise_ — _oh, James_ —

A roar comes from outside.


	278. Chapter 278

278\. October 31, 1981

Rubeus Hagrid has arrived and is sobbing in the yard, screaming Lily and James's names. Sirius feels the same way. But _Peter, Peter, Peter_ pounds in his mind. _Revenge._

"Hagrid," Sirius says, his voice cracking. "I need you to take Harry—"

"Harry?"

They look down at the boy and Sirius feels tears fall, and then Hagrid buries him in a hug and perhaps the half-giant rumors are true.

"We'll end this," Hagrid swears. "Blimey, Sirius—"

"I need to—I need to—"

"I'll deliver 'im."

"Take the bike."

"Sirius—"

"Please. I n-need—"

"Sirius, wha'—"

"Hagrid! Please!"

Hagrid leaves, holding Harry.


	279. Chapter 279

279\. October 31, 1981

He spits out every tracking spell that he knows and Apparates more than healthy, Splinching off a nail. His wand slashes like a knife, his face is that of a hurricane.

 _Peter. Peter. Peter._

He ends up in Gloucester or maybe Stroud, he can't tell and he doesn't care, and he spots Peter. His mind doesn't register the resigned look on Peter's face, or the fact that it's a crowded street and Peter isn't running.

"How could you, Sirius?!"  
 _How could you?_ Sirius wants to ask, and he raises his wand as Peter yells—

And then the world falls apart.


	280. Chapter 280

280\. October 31, 1981

 _It wasn't me,_ he tries to explain, _it was Peter_ —

But Peter is dead. Blown up. Along with over 10 Muggles. All the evidence points at Sirius.

 _But it wasn't me_ —

But there is no one else that it could have been. These are times of war, and being a suspect is as good as being caught.

 _When you put me on trial you'll see!_

There will be no trial, the man laughs. There is no trial for a murderer and a traitor. There is only Azkaban.

 _Azkaban?! No! Not there!  
_ Yes, the man nods. Maybe now you'll regret what you did.


	281. Chapter 281

281\. November 2, 1981

It's so cold.

Everything is like ice. And nothing matters. It's over, it's all over...why does Sirius bother?

It's so cold. His bones are frozen.

He screams out for Dumbledore, for Remus, for _anyone._ They can't leave him in here!

But his hands are numb and there's no hope, anyway. There's just dark figures at the end of the corridors and his own tiny cell, numbers already scratched on every wall.

"You can't leave me here!" Sirius screams, but it's more like a whisper because he knows there's _no point._ There is no hope. There is no hope…

It's so cold.

 _Peter…_


	282. Chapter 282

282\. November 3, 1981

"Dumbledore," Sirius begs. "Just bring Dumbledore. Bring Remus. Bring McGonagall. Bring James—"

But James is dead.

"Anyone will vouch for me! They know I'm innocent! Please, bring Dumbledore! He knows it wasn't me!"

There are laughs that echo on the walls of Azkaban. The other prisoners.

"Please!"

But even his strength and will to shout has left him alone in this darkened cell. He only has his weakened, pathetic body and the walls that surround him. He only has the chanting in his mind.

 _Peter. Peter. Peter did this to me._

 _James, Lily, dead. Harry, alive._

 _Peter did this to me._


	283. Chapter 283

283\. November, December, January

The captives across the halls from him whisper all the time, back and forth. They plot escape. They talk about their glory days. They talk about the other prisoners that they've seen here. They talk about him. They talk about the Dark Lord.

Somehow it's still a shock to remember almost everyone in Azkaban was a supporter of You-Know-Who. This is the prison for the real dangers.

And somehow, Sirius is among them.

They mention the Blacks, how Bellatrix is at large, how Mother and Father are dead.

They mention Regulus. He's dead too. Something to do with You-Know-Who.


	284. Chapter 284

284\. Probably January 1982

So Regulus is dead.

(It's cold.)

Sirius thinks of his younger brother. Regulus was so happy when he was young. He wasn't a bad person, at least not until he was older. 13, 14, 15, and then he joined the Death Eaters. Only too eager to be a murder, that stupid evil idiot.

And yet, Sirius thinks Reg could've been redeemed. Good. Happy. Then again, maybe the Death Eaters don't throw their own number into Azkaban for _no reason!_

It's cold.

Sirius misses Regulus.

Without controlling it, the tears start to flow endlessly, and Sirius cries for his little brother.


	285. Chapter 285

285\. Sometime in 1982

The best day of his life is the day that they bring Bellatrix into Azkaban. Even his dulled senses feel satisfaction. She's completely mad, that much is obvious. Her cackles echo off of the walls and she screams about restoring the Dark Lord. Apparently the Longbottoms were tortured. If his heart still had the capacity to bleed for them, it would.

She talks about the honor of being imprisoned for the Dark Lord and how happy she is to be here. She shrieks a list of her atrocities with vicious pride.

He hopes that her face is eaten by rats.

* * *

 **I hate to do some shameless boosting of my work, but here it is:**

 **You can find my fiction at inkitt:** **way_out_there and fictionpress: M. . I would really appreciate it if anyone would check it out.**

 **Thanks as always for reading. It means the world that people read what I've written and give reviews for it. I'm always glad to hear any constructive criticism about this story and about any of my other works. You guys are part of the reason that I keep writing. Thank you for that.**


	286. Chapter 286

286\. Sometime

It's so cold.

The knowledge that Bellatrix is there just eats away at his nerves. He looks at the rats in the corners with jealousy. At least they have some freedom.

His breath comes out white.

There is no hope. He's been forgotten by the Order, or maybe he's been dead all along, Remus bit his head off, or he was massacred like Marlene. Or he just never existed in the first place. Or his parents drove him mad when he was young, he's still a ten-year-old locked in his room.

It's the only reason no one's come for him.

He's so cold.

* * *

 **Thank you all so much for 300 reviews. You've helped me surpass all expectation of where I thought this would be over a year ago.**

 **That being said, do you think that we can push for 400 by the 300th drabble?**


	287. Chapter 287

287\. Sometime

There was a boy.

There was another boy, too.

(It doesn't really matter.)

There were other boys, and then some girls, and then there were women and men.

Who, what, where; none of this really matters.

(Some of them felt things for other ones of them. Some of them twisted as they grew.)

They are all twisted except for the jailers that glide straight, hale.

None of this really matters.

(A boy wonders about death. A man wonders about death. A boy wonders if nothingness is the same as death.)

It doesn't really matter.

( _Peter,_ a boy thinks.

 _Peter._

 _Revenge.)_


	288. Chapter 288

288\. Pettigrew

"My name is Sirius," a boy says out loud.

"My name is Sirius _._

"Sirius Black _._

"Sirius _Potter._

"There was another Potter.

" _James_ Potter.

"Lily Potter.

"And _Harry._

" _I_ am Harry's godfather. _I_ am s'posed to protect him.

"I failed.

"My name is _Sirius._

"I did not kill them.

"They were killed by Peter _._ "

He repeats it daily.

He would have forgotten. He will not let himself forget.

"Pettigrew," he says aloud. The jailers cannot hear him.

"The others here hate him as well. He is a traitor. A traitor."

He will not let himself forget.

"My name is _Sirius…_ "

* * *

 **Wow. It's been half a year, I think? I apologize for the long, unannounced hiatus. I've dealing with my junior year of high school, as well as some significant health issues. Not much of an excuse, but oh well.**

 **This does not signal the return of regular updates. However, I'll try to be more frequent. Rest assured, come hell or high water, I plan on finishing this story. It will just take longer than expected.**

 **Thanks as always for reading.**


	289. Chapter 289

289\. Doesn't Matter

The rats scurry around with such freedom. They escape through the walls. They bite at his toes and steal his food and outnumber him by too much. The other prisoners laugh. Peter. Peter was a rat—

Where did Peter go?

Rats—

A graveyard, then a black sea.

Animals that were humans, or maybe the other way around. He remembers a second form.

A shaggy black dog, a Grim. Only, he _was_ the Grim.

He thinks of Peter. He thinks of that dog. His body shortens and elongates and he grows hair—

For the first time in years, he's _warm._


End file.
